I am so angry that I just want to scream and cry.
Today is Valentine's Day. It is a day that I have been looking forward to for weeks - even though Doug and I are actually celebrating tomorrow - because I have someone that I love beyond words and beyond anything I ever dreamed I could feel. I take this day to celebrate that and all that it brings to my life.
Today started off great - I gave people in the office toys I had gotten them that they all loved, some other people had given me little candies and cards, Sherri had shared with me news about her secret elopement, and I had just received the flowers, chocolates, stuffed bear, and loving poem that Doug sent me.
I was literally bursting at the seams, I was so happy.
I checked my email and saw a message from Mom. Since she always just puts "talk" as the subject line of every one of her messages, I never know what's actually in the body. I opened it thinking it would be a sweet Valentine's Day message from my mom, of course.
Well, not quite.
While the first line did say, "Hope you're having a nice Valentine's Day." That was pretty much the only fucking upbeat thing for the rest of the message. I had talked to Mom and Dad on Tuesday night and finally told them that Dr. Littleton didn't think the procedure had worked to get my wound to heal so we were having to plan to have the bigger surgery later. I had intentionally waited a week to tell them because I needed to get ok with it in my own head as well as dealing with some other personal stunners like Karen's death.
After her first line and letting me know that she was heading out to the clean the yard so pest control wouldn't track and make a mess since Dad couldn't do it last weekend because his shoulder was bothering him, she started in about the surgery. She said she wished there was something she could do, blah blah blah, she knew it was such a constant pressure on me or something, blah blah. Then she asked if she could come with me to the appointment where I talk about my surgical plan with the doctor. WHAT THE FUCK?! WHY?! This is the woman who not only could not tell me what the doctor had said about care instructions after the most recent procedure when she was supposed to be my primary caregiver, but also the woman who constantly panics and freaks out when talking to the doctor and doesn't pay attention to most of what is said.
There is a reason why I specifically choose not to involve her in my health - she causes me stress. I either end up consoling her, having to deal with her heaping her worries and negativity on me, and usually having to fight with her about why I am making the medical decisions I am instead of agreeing to some sketchy alternative treatment she read in some magazine. So, thanks, Mom, for reopening THAT wound.
Then, at the end of the message, she said that Dad and his friend Jerry had gone fishing today. She said Jerry probably needed to get out since he'd had to be so strong for his wife and, oh, by the way, his wife's mom with Alzheimer's had died the other day while she was caring for her. Talk to you later.
SERIOUSLY, WHAT THE FUCK!!!!
All of the joy, warmth, and love that I had felt all day was ripped away from me in an instant. I almost couldn't breathe. It's not just the fact that she sent what she sent or that she sent it on Valentine's Day, it's that this is the same negative shit that I get everytime I communicate with her and the same deflated feeling I have afterward. This is why I don't visit. This is why I don't call. And the fact that I can never confront her about it because it would make things worse from her victimhood in all of it only pisses me off more.
So, I am trying to exorcise this demon in this post instead of passing my irritation and flat-out anger on anyone else and taking away whatever good feelings they may be having today. For God's Sake, I was going to write Dad an email today talking about the car lease that was coming up and finally telling him about my current financial situation. Then, I remembered it was Valentine's Day and decided that was not the message or energy that I wanted to put out to him.
Too bad my mom didn't extend me the same courtesy.
