What's Wrong

 Nothing seems to work. 

I changed my antidepressant in Dec because I was in such a dark hole I didn't feel I could get out of. It kind of helped take the edge off a bit, but I realize that I maybe climbed up to a new plateau but I'm still pretty far down. 

I've opened up with Doug about frustrations I've harbored about him and our relationship for years, and he's started making some small but important changes. The lift I felt didn't last very long. 

I realize that I have shunned all my friends through radio silence for over a year. I can't sit still or calm my mind. 

More than at any point in my life - which is really saying something, I feel like I am in a constant state of fight or flight that I can't get out of. Even ads on TV or Facebook feel like they are trying to take energy and attention that I don't have to give just by being there.

Everything feels like it is taking a piece of me. I can't focus. I can't prioritize. I am just stuck in mire. 

On top of that, I realize that career-wise, I'm where I've always been working to get. This is why I did Upward, why I stay engaged with Momentum. Just like I originally started going to Whiskey Women to make relationships to get Silent Auction items, the motivation no longer rings true. 

So, I feel a little rudderless. I don't completely know what to do with the energy I used to propel me forward when I'm now trying to use it to build out where I am. 

Plus, I'm officially in the Grown Up Mindset. I am a leader at work and have to act like it - being more mindful of what I do and how I react. I have the $$ to do things I've wanted to do but now, what are those priorities - especially when my friends, Doug, and I are not in great physical shape. How does/will that limit plans? 

Why am I typing all this? I know I need counseling help to work through this, but I haven't been able to focus on specifically what I want help with or what I would want to get out of it since literally everything in my life feels off. 

I've started listening to 10 minute guided meditations in the car on the way to work and on the way home to try to better manage my head space in that lost time since I don't prioritize taking a break for myself when I get home. I've been really focusing lately on eating more natural foods and fewer overly processed foods to try to get my body just generally feeling better. 

Just like my initial Crohn's flare and diagnosis completely changed the trajectory of the rest of my life, I feel like I am at another of those pivotal moments of growth that will shape my life from her to retirement, if not the end. 

Clear and Free: How I killed my 2023 theme words

 I don't remember when it happened, but partway through 2023, the little felt letterboard I use for my annual theme words to keep them top of mind that sits on the chest of drawers in my bedroom fell behind the piece of furniture. For a few days, I kept meaning to move the chest to get the board, but soon, I completely forgot it had happened and didn't notice the missing words. 

A few weeks ago, I suddenly realized that not only was the letterboard missing but that I couldn't even remember what that words were supposed to be for 2023 - I had to look back at last year's blogger post. 

I somehow feel it's fitting for the year that the words disappeared and that I didn't notice until recently. 

To be honest, 2023 has been a complete blur - not just because it went by so fast but because so much happened (good and bad). 

We (and I, by myself) traveled more in this year than we ever have since we've been together:

- April (together) - Cruise and Resort in Grand Bahama
- June (together) - ATL for Gutfeld
- July (together) - Old Bottoms' Place
- July (me) - Chicago for work conference
- August (together) - Montgomery for Kat Timpf
- September (together) - GA for Stacy and Pedro's wedding
- October (together) - Gulf Shores for Tyrus
- October (me) - Mobile to visit with Carisa and to help at EI Conference Registration
- November (together WITH Annabel) - Blue Ridge, GA to Lance and Heather's cabin
- November (together) - New Orleans for Doug's Birthday

I revisited favorite parts of my past through live concerts:

- March - Guster with Allison and Matt
- June - Tori Amos with Allison (Julie M gave her ticket)
- August - Vienna Teng with Sherri

We took a lot of fucking hits - and I spread myself far too thin helping others:

- February - Agreed to be day-of coordinator for Riley Cain's wedding in August
- April - Upward Alumnae Council (which had started in Sept) - Chair stepped down so I moved from Secretary to Chair and started trying to better coordinate operations
- May - Agreed to help UCP AL with new online Registration system for EI Conference in October
- May - Doug woke up terrified at 5:30am because he had fallen face-first on the driftwood beside table in his room which had punctured completely through his cheek
- June - Agreed (when Data person left without replacement) to take over gift entry, reconciliation, and data clean-up to get Dev Team thru JOH in August (and discovered what a clusterfuck the team has become)
- June - We were called from our weekend trip to ATL at 6am on Saturday before Father's Day to emergency put Horatio to sleep. One of the most gutwrenching experiences of my life. 
- July - Through a concatenation of rushed timing and high anxiety, not only did the ribs that Doug was SO proud of preparing for his family 4th of July celebration not cook completely, his Dad "showed his ass" (as my dad would say) when Alexander took more than 2 ribs to start (after it had been stated repeatedly to only start with 2 to make sure there were enough) and turned the rest of the visit miserable.
- August - Riley's wedding with non-stop running all day
- August - JOH (same day as Riley's wedding so didn't go) but spent weeks making sure all gifts were entered and auction acknowledged correctly
- August - Deck removal and complete new reconstruction
- September - After Improv Jam performance, we drove to hotel in Bremen, GA (arriving around 2am) to sleep briefly before driving rest of way to Gainesville, GA, for Stacy and Pedro's 10am wedding ceremony (Catholic and completely in Spanish)
- September - After loading a full fiscal year of payroll payments for Benevolent Fund, we realized over 150 donors had been assigned inaccurate designations when the starting report was pulled from Apex. We had to rush to find the incorrect ones, program to mass delete them, and program to mass readd them with the correct designations so we could close out fiscal year. 
- October - at UAC meeting, members finally voiced frustrations and concerns with how staff is not supporting Council while pushing expectations on Council which started 2 months of restructuring discussions, planning, etc. to be shared with staff in Jan
- October - went to EI Conference in Mobile for Sunday night and Monday morning check-in with new registration program
- October (?) - Sabrina notified team that she was retiring at end of 2023, taking a tremendous amount of institutional knowledge with her and leaving another Advancement Services team without a Director (AISA continues to have no Director since Marylyn was promoted to Asst VP end of last year)
- November - Robin (Director of Gift and Bio Team) has pulmonary aorta dissection leaving her confined to hospital and placed at top of heart + lung transplant list (she miraculously received organ donation in early Dec but projected to be out through Summer 2024 at earliest)
- December - I realize that what may have been a gradual downhill slide with my depression has hit a depth I haven't experienced since before starting Lexapro 20 years ago and access Hers online to change prescription to Zoloft over the next 3 weeks
- December - I jab the middle finger on my left hand separating sausage patties that were frozen together (smart enough to use a butter knife, did NOT account for the potential for THAT much pressure) - cut wasn't too deep but apparently injured the nerve because first knuckle up above the cut have little-to-no feeling
- December - Mom is rushed to hospital after weeks of extreme weakness to discover she has been experiencing afib the entire time (cause still undetermined), stays in hospital for a week (I take off last day in office before Christmas to stay with her all day in hospital before she was sent home that night)
- December - Susan Sellers asks me to again help since they have no Director for the Dev Team, the data entry person is still very new, and Katie (who is the the most veteran member of the actual Development team, having been there less than a year) will be out in Jan for a family emergency
** For the first time (maybe ever in my life), I told her I couldn't help. I am finally recognizing the full extent of my exhaustion, depletion, depression, and doneness. 

I remember that I picked "Clear" last year because I was expecting to be able to get the house in order after neglecting it from burnout at United Ability. Moving to UAB was my chance to restart and finally get to those jobs around the house. Yeah, the opposite of that happened - not only did I do nothing around the house, the projects have expanded! 

However, I reach some important clarity in the past few weeks. I officially allowed myself to recognize the full extent that I commit my entire life to others. Sure, this has been a theme my whole life, but this was like opening to the core of my being and realizing that my sole purpose for existence has been to take care of others. 

Doug and I tripped on mushrooms, and it stripped a lot of distractions away for me to realize who innate my training is to be at the service of others. Without being aware, I was limiting my own experience so that I could stay available for whatever Doug might need. In that moment, I decided to turn my full focus to myself - it was not my responsibility to make sure Doug had the trip he wanted or to expend energy on giving him all my attention. 

I also realized the hierarchical dynamic I grew up in of instability that forced me to try to not only be stable but to mitigate the instability of those around me by minimizing myself. I meant to type all this out to record it while it was still fresh in my head, but of course, I didn't make it a priority. I think it went something like this:

- Dad's moods were unpredictable and Lance's moods were unpredictable which affected Mom's depression and anxiety making her shrink herself around them to avoid having to expend the energy of "dealing" with them, but she needed an outlet so I became her safe outlet for the emotions she couldn't direct elsewhere. I was dealing with a household of unpredictable responses as well as feeling directly, personally responsibly for Mom's happiness and well-being since I was her confidant. 
- From that home situation, I developed the core belief (though I didn't realize it) that my only value and the only way people liked me was transactional based on what I could do for them. So, I view every interaction with anyone as requiring energy so the only way I know how to not have to give energy or shrink myself to make someone help happy/peaceful/etc is to be alone.
- I agree to fix problems or help others constantly (even when it completely depletes me) because I - in my core - think no one will like me or care or notice me unless I help them. 
- This is the dynamic I has repeated with Doug. I step in to fix and to do - which is my love language, but I don't feel like those actions are returned in the same proportion so I feel like a slave instead of loved. 

I don't know how to flip the script and stop being the habitual solver so I can reserve energy just to care for me. I especially don't know how to institute a change - and clearly communicate with Doug - without it fundamentally upending (and potentially causing more issues) in our relationship. 

All I want is to feel taken care of on a reliable, on-going basis. I want to NOT have to take care of everything. I don't want to instinctually expect for any requests from me to be taken as an inconvenience by others. I want to be able to share experiences without feeling like the sharing is actually extracting energy and attention from me instead of bringing value in the sharedness. 

I want to not have to be the parent that takes care of everything and makes sure everything happens and prods everyone else who gets to use they energy how they want to instead of shareing the ownership to get it done because someone else (i.e., I) will always be there to take care of it. 

So, this year, I'm not doing theme words. I'm still in the depths of depression as I hope the transition to the new meds pays off. I'm still trying to figure out what I can do, what I want to do, what I have to do, and what I may need to keep in reserves since there seems to be a shitshow around every corner. 

Upward Graduation Talking Points for today

 Thoughts on what to say at Upward Graduation:

• Who is this person and why is she talking to us? 
• Chair of the Upward Alumnae Council which is working with Momentum Staff to develop Upward-focused engagement opportunities which I will tell you more about
• A thankful graduate from Upward Class 1 (Afternoon Session)
• Quick Background and how Upward has made a difference
• Never knew what I wanted to do when I grew up 
• Tried out any opportunity that crossed my path
• Learned on the job instead of formal training
• Wide variety of skills from sales to stage management and database administration to fundraising
• Devalued my skills and my self
• At an Organization I was passionate about in a position that utilized most of my skills and was exposing me to new ones but I was struggling
• When I was put in a Leadership position as staff liaison to Junior Board, I decided I needed some kind of training since I didn't consider myself a leader - in fact, I generally only became a leader when no one else was willing to be one
• Found Upward 
• Expected work-focused Management Training
• Value from Upward -> better understood myself so I could work better, too
• Some of the struggles I had at work weren't because I wasn't trying hard enough (as I'd convinced myself) but because they were specific weaknesses for who I am - AND THAT'S OK
• I became a better team member because Upward helped equip me with tools to recognize when I was falling into my introvert tendencies but needed to connect in a personal way
• It helped me to find the courage to fail - one of the greatest fears in my personal and professional life - to arrive at a better outcome when a Junior Board event just was not coming together - I never thought failing would be one of my proudest moments
• While Upward helped me to be better in the position I was in, it also prepared me when the time came to take the next step
• I saw a position that my intuition told me was completely right for me...even though I only met maybe 50% of the stated criteria
• In my head, I heard "Men typically apply for positions where they only meet 60% of the qualifications"
• I maximized my network to get me on the radar for the hiring managers so they wouldn't overlook me for not having some of the programming skills in the description
• I actually got my Upward book out to revisit some of the career history work we'd done and other notes I'd taken so I could focus on my transferrable skills to build my confidence on what I COULD offer instead of covering up for what I couldn't 
• It's been one year since I became the Assistant Director of the Advancement Information and Analytics Team at UAB, and I have been heavily praised by everyone I work with for the qualities I bring to the table that were not even listed in the job description and have never been criticized for the qualification I didn't meet. 
• Each of you will take something different from your Upward Experience, and each of you will have a different path from here. Some will change jobs, some will change employers, and others will bloom where you're planted. 
• You all will have moments over the next months and years, though, where something you heard or learned during Upward will come to mind or will make sense in a whole new way.
• I hope you continue to find as much value in your experience as I have in mine.

• Speaking of life after Upward, let me tell you a bit about the Upward Alumnae Council - what we do for you and how you can be involved
• Formed a year ago and are still fine-tuning operations
• Four committees that plan events and opportunities for alums to connect with each other, with our community, and with the Momentum Executive classes
• Social Committee - Including Holiday Social on Dec 7
• Education Committee - Organizing Speaking or Webinar events
• Community Service Committee - Period Products Drives with Bundles of Hope
• Mentoring Committee - Networking events at BSC, Girl Scouts, etc. 
• If you are interested in learning more about any of the committees to become a member to help plan events, email Tina or upwardalumnaecouncil@gmail.com
• Paid Memberships - $75 a year (can be paid monthly)
• This is your alumnae group - give us your feedback and let us know what you are looking for

That was it. It's ok now.

 Praise the Lord, I got home safely (if not tiredly) from Chicago!

BUT, after having such an overwhelming sense of dread and anxiety, the flight to Chicago was not without incident. 

Within a few moments of takeoff, a flight attendant calmly made an announcement asking for any medical professionals on board to assist. A lady in the seat in front of me and a lady a few rows back both got up to head further back into the plane (where I couldn't see since I was in a window seat). 

I watched as the same flight attendant brought an oxygen tank and mask from the front galley down the aisle then went back to get a headset to bring back for one of the medical professionals to stay in contact with staff on the ground (I heard the flight attendant share this with another medical person who offered to help if still needed). 

I watched another flight attendant stay on the plane phone either to the ground or providing updates to the cockpit. I was concerned we were going to either turn around or have to make an immediate alternate landing, but after a while, the attendants stopped going back and forth. The lady in front of me came to get her belongings and told her companion she was going to stay with the patient for the flight. 

I heard the other lady who had gone to help tell Lisa (my counterpart on the trip who was sitting near her) that she was a nurse so that's why she had gone to help. Apparently the lady in front of me was a doctor. 

Lisa shared with me on our way to baggage claim that she had seen the man who was the patient sort of roll his head back and foam was coming out of his mouth. Apparently he had a seizure but had a seizure disorder so it wasn't an uncommon experience for him. Once we was stable and aware, he was ok to continue the flight - even walking off the plane with the paramedics who boarded as soon as we landed to assess him. 

The strangest thing, though, was that when they made the announcement asking for medical personnel, the little voice inside told me "This is it. This is what you were connecting to with your anxiety and awareness. It'll all be ok now." And I didn't have that same overwhelm of fear for the rest of the trip. 

Intuition or Anxiety?

 I leave today for a work conference in Chicago for the rest of the week...and I am terrified. 

There is no logical reason for this feeling, but since I booked the reservations in early July, I have had a sense of dread and fear that something bad is going to happen. Beyond that, I have a very real fear that everything I'm doing at home will be for the last time because I'm not going to make it back.

This thought sends an electric impulse of anxiety and terror through my entire body. 

I don't want to seem crazy so I haven't told anyone.

I have tried to convince myself it's just anxiety - NOT a premonition, but I cannot turn it off. I woke up at 2:30 this morning to take Annabel out and couldn't fall back asleep for a long time because I was so fixated on the definitiveness of this feeling at my core. 

Doug had to drive me to the office to drop me off because I'm riding to the airport with a coworker who is also going to the conference. Annabel full-on ran out when Doug opened the door to leave - not something she usually does. She tries but we usually are vigilant and get her away from the door before she can. We had to chase her around the car and I put her back in the house. I don't know if it's just that she's upset I'm leaving or if she has animal intuition that something's going to happen. 

All of this is reminding me of Horatio. When we dropped him at the vet for boarding after being sick that morning, I had a distinct feeling - like this - that he was really sick this time and it wasn't going to be his usual cycle. I had this same electric fear as we drove out of Birmingham and had to repeatedly have internal conversations with myself to calm down and convince myself it was just my anxiety. 

The morning we had to put him down, I woke up around 2am to go the bathroom and couldn't go back to sleep for a while because I was so worried about him. I knew in my core that he was really sick and couldn't wait for the vet to open so we could call first thing to check on him. Then, they called US first thing to let us know he was in truly bad shape. 

I don't know if this is some subconscious relation back to that experience since it was one month ago yesterday, but I don't completely know why I would have had this feeling since I made reservations weeks ago. 

I used to have major travel anxiety as a kid - absolutely convinced something horrible was going to happen to the house while we were gone. But (thankfully), it never did. Since my childhood level of depression and other emotions has been ripped open and returning since H's passing, I don't know if this is that neural pathway reopening or real intuition. 

Since it has been one horrible thing after another (my kidney results, Doug's face accident, H's passing, the horrible 4th of July trip, the topical steroids that were miraculously healing my wounds while disintegrating my mental capacity), it definitely feels like nothing good is possible right now. It feels like something even more horrible could likely be around the corner and this might be it. 

If something were to (God forbid) happen to me, I'm not so much sad or scared for myself. I'm worried for those around me. Doug is hanging on by a thread still fighting through his mourning for H. Mom is finally starting to function again after all her gallbladder and back issues. While I've done some meaningful work to try to move the Upward Alumnae Council forward since becoming chair, I also feel like I've screwed up at every turn (being 10+ minutes late to my first meeting AND having to unexpectedly attend virtually, missing my first big Momentum Bd Meeting because of Doug's accident. having to reschedule this month's meeting because of the conference, having to re-reschedule the meeting due to a panel interview at work). Plus, the EI conference is still reaching out to me for some help since I set up their registration system, and United Ability is a shitshow as far as data that I haven't been able to do much of anything with because the team is so overwhelmed with JOH planning. 

My biggest fear in life is letting other people down. If I were to "leave for good" at this point, that is exactly what would happen in every part of my life. God, please let me come back home safely this weekend, and let me have the same home to come back to. Amen

The Fastest Month

Today is one month since we said goodbye to Horatio. It's currently 8:45am. A month ago, we were (safely) speeding toward Birmingham - unsure what H would be like when we finally saw him but sure of what we were going to have to do. 

(It's also 3 days since I've used the high-powered topical steroids and finally feel like myself again.)

The profound loss is still fresh for Doug - he has moments of returning to himself, but overall, he still dozes off in the early evening and sleeps until the next morning. He's admitted this is due to his depression and not wanting to feel. 

I'm honestly worried about going out of town this week and leaving him, but maybe that will be good for him. He (and I am SO proud of him for this) has already scheduled to go to Chuck Duck's house to hang out Wednesday night and has Meagan coming over Thursday for a movie night. Maybe getting outside of just him and me for a longer time will help. 

Yesterday, I finally organized and swept my bedroom as well as cleaned my bathroom. It did change my energy as well as the energy of the spaces for me. But, as I was sweeping my room, I - for some unknown reason - was thinking about how I had stopped cooking because it was one of the demands on my time and mental energy I could reallocate. I do miss it at times, and I started thinking about why I'd pushed (forced?) Doug to go along with weekly ordering premade meals from Cook Unity - it was because I felt like I never had time to rest when I got home between cooking, cleaning up, the multi-step process of prepping H's food/guarding it while he ate, and giving H his fluids. 

This morning, I realized that if he was still with us, I would have been even more anxious about going our of town this week. I would have rushed back Friday to make sure I only missed 2 days of giving him fluids and PRAYING those two days didn't send him in a nosedive. I know because this was the freak out I was having planning for my girls' trip to New Orleans in October - which I almost didn't agree to go to because I wasn't sure what to do about the stuff I did for H that Doug didn't. 

When Doug went out to smoke this morning, I talked to H. I thanked him for the gift of no longer having to worry about making sure he was ok. No longer having to bend my schedule and plans to make sure he was taken care of. But I also told him - and I mean it - that I'd happily keep doing it if it meant he was back with us. We miss him and love him. 

It's these kinds of realizations and moments where I realize how complicated grief is. I do miss him, but when I realized the "freedom" (I can't think of another word) I have now, I literally felt like in those moments H was thanking me for all the time and energy I'd given him. It's like he knew and appreciated the costs we'd gone to fighting WITH him until he couldn't anymore. 

Damn, I love him and miss him. 

Imperfect Concatenation

 In addition to my ongoing severe depression, I have noticed this week that I have been completely unable to focus.

I don't mean I've been distracted or daydreaming. I mean that I was listening to Sabrina is our weekly meeting and literally could not focus on what she was saying to process and make sense. At night, I'm not bored watching TV so am playing on my phone - I am trying to make my brain "stick" on something because nothing (conversation, TV, phone, meals) is concrete. Everything is just an ocean of happenings - I can't remember more than a couple of seconds. It's maddening. 

On top of EVERYTHING else since late May, I started powerful topical steroids to treat my longtime rectal wounds (which my dermatologist finally officially diagnosed as pyoderma gangrenosum). I literally filled the prescription and started using it the day after Doug went to the ER for ripping his face open on the lamp. 

So, it's easy to see how the timeline of treatment (which has been overwhelmingly successful as the wounds are 95% or so healed) directly overlaps with Doug's injury, H's death, the disastrous 4th of July, my feeling defeated at work, etc so that I couldn't differentiate what was causing my moods. 

I'd had the thought several weeks ago to see about side effects for topical steroids to see if it was affecting something (maybe because I woke massively dizzy for 4 days in a row), but I didn't actually get around to it until this morning when I was at my absolute wit's end. 

I saw a study that in RARE cases (i.e., me every damn time they say that), the use of the exact highly potent topical steroid I've been using does severely affect mood and mentality including depression, anxiety, confusion, and forgetfulness. GOD DAMN! 

Once again, I'm at that crux where I have to weigh the benefit vs the side effects. Since the steroids seem to have plateaued, I'm switching to topical collagen for the next week to see if that will help complete healing as well as give my brain a chance to recover. 

Of course, in the last week, I've spent more money than I probably should reordering my spray CBD and other products to desperately try to relieve what's been happening. 

Here's hoping I don't get major wound setbacks but DO get my brain back!