I don't remember when it happened, but partway through 2023, the little felt letterboard I use for my annual theme words to keep them top of mind that sits on the chest of drawers in my bedroom fell behind the piece of furniture. For a few days, I kept meaning to move the chest to get the board, but soon, I completely forgot it had happened and didn't notice the missing words.
A few weeks ago, I suddenly realized that not only was the letterboard missing but that I couldn't even remember what that words were supposed to be for 2023 - I had to look back at last year's blogger post.
I somehow feel it's fitting for the year that the words disappeared and that I didn't notice until recently.
To be honest, 2023 has been a complete blur - not just because it went by so fast but because so much happened (good and bad).
We (and I, by myself) traveled more in this year than we ever have since we've been together:
- April (together) - Cruise and Resort in Grand Bahama
- June (together) - ATL for Gutfeld
- July (together) - Old Bottoms' Place
- July (me) - Chicago for work conference
- August (together) - Montgomery for Kat Timpf
- September (together) - GA for Stacy and Pedro's wedding
- October (together) - Gulf Shores for Tyrus
- October (me) - Mobile to visit with Carisa and to help at EI Conference Registration
- November (together WITH Annabel) - Blue Ridge, GA to Lance and Heather's cabin
- November (together) - New Orleans for Doug's Birthday
I revisited favorite parts of my past through live concerts:
- March - Guster with Allison and Matt
- June - Tori Amos with Allison (Julie M gave her ticket)
- August - Vienna Teng with Sherri
We took a lot of fucking hits - and I spread myself far too thin helping others:
- February - Agreed to be day-of coordinator for Riley Cain's wedding in August
- April - Upward Alumnae Council (which had started in Sept) - Chair stepped down so I moved from Secretary to Chair and started trying to better coordinate operations
- May - Agreed to help UCP AL with new online Registration system for EI Conference in October
- May - Doug woke up terrified at 5:30am because he had fallen face-first on the driftwood beside table in his room which had punctured completely through his cheek
- June - Agreed (when Data person left without replacement) to take over gift entry, reconciliation, and data clean-up to get Dev Team thru JOH in August (and discovered what a clusterfuck the team has become)
- June - We were called from our weekend trip to ATL at 6am on Saturday before Father's Day to emergency put Horatio to sleep. One of the most gutwrenching experiences of my life.
- July - Through a concatenation of rushed timing and high anxiety, not only did the ribs that Doug was SO proud of preparing for his family 4th of July celebration not cook completely, his Dad "showed his ass" (as my dad would say) when Alexander took more than 2 ribs to start (after it had been stated repeatedly to only start with 2 to make sure there were enough) and turned the rest of the visit miserable.
- August - Riley's wedding with non-stop running all day
- August - JOH (same day as Riley's wedding so didn't go) but spent weeks making sure all gifts were entered and auction acknowledged correctly
- August - Deck removal and complete new reconstruction
- September - After Improv Jam performance, we drove to hotel in Bremen, GA (arriving around 2am) to sleep briefly before driving rest of way to Gainesville, GA, for Stacy and Pedro's 10am wedding ceremony (Catholic and completely in Spanish)
- September - After loading a full fiscal year of payroll payments for Benevolent Fund, we realized over 150 donors had been assigned inaccurate designations when the starting report was pulled from Apex. We had to rush to find the incorrect ones, program to mass delete them, and program to mass readd them with the correct designations so we could close out fiscal year.
- October - at UAC meeting, members finally voiced frustrations and concerns with how staff is not supporting Council while pushing expectations on Council which started 2 months of restructuring discussions, planning, etc. to be shared with staff in Jan
- October - went to EI Conference in Mobile for Sunday night and Monday morning check-in with new registration program
- October (?) - Sabrina notified team that she was retiring at end of 2023, taking a tremendous amount of institutional knowledge with her and leaving another Advancement Services team without a Director (AISA continues to have no Director since Marylyn was promoted to Asst VP end of last year)
- November - Robin (Director of Gift and Bio Team) has pulmonary aorta dissection leaving her confined to hospital and placed at top of heart + lung transplant list (she miraculously received organ donation in early Dec but projected to be out through Summer 2024 at earliest)
- December - I realize that what may have been a gradual downhill slide with my depression has hit a depth I haven't experienced since before starting Lexapro 20 years ago and access Hers online to change prescription to Zoloft over the next 3 weeks
- December - I jab the middle finger on my left hand separating sausage patties that were frozen together (smart enough to use a butter knife, did NOT account for the potential for THAT much pressure) - cut wasn't too deep but apparently injured the nerve because first knuckle up above the cut have little-to-no feeling
- December - Mom is rushed to hospital after weeks of extreme weakness to discover she has been experiencing afib the entire time (cause still undetermined), stays in hospital for a week (I take off last day in office before Christmas to stay with her all day in hospital before she was sent home that night)
- December - Susan Sellers asks me to again help since they have no Director for the Dev Team, the data entry person is still very new, and Katie (who is the the most veteran member of the actual Development team, having been there less than a year) will be out in Jan for a family emergency
** For the first time (maybe ever in my life), I told her I couldn't help. I am finally recognizing the full extent of my exhaustion, depletion, depression, and doneness.
I remember that I picked "Clear" last year because I was expecting to be able to get the house in order after neglecting it from burnout at United Ability. Moving to UAB was my chance to restart and finally get to those jobs around the house. Yeah, the opposite of that happened - not only did I do nothing around the house, the projects have expanded!
However, I reach some important clarity in the past few weeks. I officially allowed myself to recognize the full extent that I commit my entire life to others. Sure, this has been a theme my whole life, but this was like opening to the core of my being and realizing that my sole purpose for existence has been to take care of others.
Doug and I tripped on mushrooms, and it stripped a lot of distractions away for me to realize who innate my training is to be at the service of others. Without being aware, I was limiting my own experience so that I could stay available for whatever Doug might need. In that moment, I decided to turn my full focus to myself - it was not my responsibility to make sure Doug had the trip he wanted or to expend energy on giving him all my attention.
I also realized the hierarchical dynamic I grew up in of instability that forced me to try to not only be stable but to mitigate the instability of those around me by minimizing myself. I meant to type all this out to record it while it was still fresh in my head, but of course, I didn't make it a priority. I think it went something like this:
- Dad's moods were unpredictable and Lance's moods were unpredictable which affected Mom's depression and anxiety making her shrink herself around them to avoid having to expend the energy of "dealing" with them, but she needed an outlet so I became her safe outlet for the emotions she couldn't direct elsewhere. I was dealing with a household of unpredictable responses as well as feeling directly, personally responsibly for Mom's happiness and well-being since I was her confidant.
- From that home situation, I developed the core belief (though I didn't realize it) that my only value and the only way people liked me was transactional based on what I could do for them. So, I view every interaction with anyone as requiring energy so the only way I know how to not have to give energy or shrink myself to make someone help happy/peaceful/etc is to be alone.
- I agree to fix problems or help others constantly (even when it completely depletes me) because I - in my core - think no one will like me or care or notice me unless I help them.
- This is the dynamic I has repeated with Doug. I step in to fix and to do - which is my love language, but I don't feel like those actions are returned in the same proportion so I feel like a slave instead of loved.
I don't know how to flip the script and stop being the habitual solver so I can reserve energy just to care for me. I especially don't know how to institute a change - and clearly communicate with Doug - without it fundamentally upending (and potentially causing more issues) in our relationship.
All I want is to feel taken care of on a reliable, on-going basis. I want to NOT have to take care of everything. I don't want to instinctually expect for any requests from me to be taken as an inconvenience by others. I want to be able to share experiences without feeling like the sharing is actually extracting energy and attention from me instead of bringing value in the sharedness.
I want to not have to be the parent that takes care of everything and makes sure everything happens and prods everyone else who gets to use they energy how they want to instead of shareing the ownership to get it done because someone else (i.e., I) will always be there to take care of it.
So, this year, I'm not doing theme words. I'm still in the depths of depression as I hope the transition to the new meds pays off. I'm still trying to figure out what I can do, what I want to do, what I have to do, and what I may need to keep in reserves since there seems to be a shitshow around every corner.
