I leave today for a work conference in Chicago for the rest of the week...and I am terrified.
There is no logical reason for this feeling, but since I booked the reservations in early July, I have had a sense of dread and fear that something bad is going to happen. Beyond that, I have a very real fear that everything I'm doing at home will be for the last time because I'm not going to make it back.
This thought sends an electric impulse of anxiety and terror through my entire body.
I don't want to seem crazy so I haven't told anyone.
I have tried to convince myself it's just anxiety - NOT a premonition, but I cannot turn it off. I woke up at 2:30 this morning to take Annabel out and couldn't fall back asleep for a long time because I was so fixated on the definitiveness of this feeling at my core.
Doug had to drive me to the office to drop me off because I'm riding to the airport with a coworker who is also going to the conference. Annabel full-on ran out when Doug opened the door to leave - not something she usually does. She tries but we usually are vigilant and get her away from the door before she can. We had to chase her around the car and I put her back in the house. I don't know if it's just that she's upset I'm leaving or if she has animal intuition that something's going to happen.
All of this is reminding me of Horatio. When we dropped him at the vet for boarding after being sick that morning, I had a distinct feeling - like this - that he was really sick this time and it wasn't going to be his usual cycle. I had this same electric fear as we drove out of Birmingham and had to repeatedly have internal conversations with myself to calm down and convince myself it was just my anxiety.
The morning we had to put him down, I woke up around 2am to go the bathroom and couldn't go back to sleep for a while because I was so worried about him. I knew in my core that he was really sick and couldn't wait for the vet to open so we could call first thing to check on him. Then, they called US first thing to let us know he was in truly bad shape.
I don't know if this is some subconscious relation back to that experience since it was one month ago yesterday, but I don't completely know why I would have had this feeling since I made reservations weeks ago.
I used to have major travel anxiety as a kid - absolutely convinced something horrible was going to happen to the house while we were gone. But (thankfully), it never did. Since my childhood level of depression and other emotions has been ripped open and returning since H's passing, I don't know if this is that neural pathway reopening or real intuition.
Since it has been one horrible thing after another (my kidney results, Doug's face accident, H's passing, the horrible 4th of July trip, the topical steroids that were miraculously healing my wounds while disintegrating my mental capacity), it definitely feels like nothing good is possible right now. It feels like something even more horrible could likely be around the corner and this might be it.
If something were to (God forbid) happen to me, I'm not so much sad or scared for myself. I'm worried for those around me. Doug is hanging on by a thread still fighting through his mourning for H. Mom is finally starting to function again after all her gallbladder and back issues. While I've done some meaningful work to try to move the Upward Alumnae Council forward since becoming chair, I also feel like I've screwed up at every turn (being 10+ minutes late to my first meeting AND having to unexpectedly attend virtually, missing my first big Momentum Bd Meeting because of Doug's accident. having to reschedule this month's meeting because of the conference, having to re-reschedule the meeting due to a panel interview at work). Plus, the EI conference is still reaching out to me for some help since I set up their registration system, and United Ability is a shitshow as far as data that I haven't been able to do much of anything with because the team is so overwhelmed with JOH planning.
My biggest fear in life is letting other people down. If I were to "leave for good" at this point, that is exactly what would happen in every part of my life. God, please let me come back home safely this weekend, and let me have the same home to come back to. Amen
