Goddamn, depression is a beast.
I don't know if it's that H's passing full-on reopened my deep depression neural pathways that had been closed off for so long or if it's my empath side connecting too strongly to Doug's on-going depression, but fuck me, I am in it.
I feel a weight that I cannot get out from under. It is constant and either numbs me or saddens me.
BUT, just like that time in my teens when I was at once of my darkest on-going periods of depression and prayed in desperation to feel God's comfort - then felt literal arms around me, God is showing up.
A few days ago, I realized I never reached out to Alison (my previous boss and still good friend) about her mom's death - that happened literally the day after H died. I finally found the sympathy card I bought, and all day yesterday I kept looking at it on my desk thinking that I really needed to write a note and mail it.
After work, I went to get my haircut but arrived a little early so was just hanging out in another chair in Kara's area while she finished with the current client. Suddenly, I heard a familiar voice from another part of the building shout "Lee?" It was Alison! For all the time both of us have apparently been going to this same salon, this was the FIRST time we'd both been there at the same time. She noticed my car outside so came in to find me to say hello.
She gave me such a big hug, and it was truly a comfort to see her. There was no way that was a mere coincidence.
After I got done with my haircut, I called in our pick up order to Bongiorno like I always do. They said it would be about half an hour so I decided to go to Taco Mama for a margarita and a snack (I didn't eat lunch because we had a morning and afternoon social at work with snacks) while I was waiting. It was maybe in that moment that I really appreciated how much I've been hurting - like an undercurrent that I don't always realize is there but I realize now has been.
This morning, as I was getting dressed for my day, I kept thinking "I just want something that feels like a hug to comfort me." Suddenly, the song that I listened to on repeat Senior Year of high school during my worst Crohn's days came into my head - Rest Easy by Audio Adrenaline.
I literally don't know that last time I listened to that song, but I doubt I've listened to it in the last 20 years or more since college. I pulled it up on Spotify to play as I drove to work - I remembered EVERY SINGLE WORD like I'd just listened to it yesterday.
Reconnecting to another deep point of depression in my past did bring me some hope and comfort - especially since I'd been thinking only a couple of weeks and months ago about how incredibly far I've come in my life and how I've fulfilled so many of my expectations for my future. Yeah, this is a dark place that I haven't been in a long, long time, but I HAVE dug out before so I CAN do it again.
Plus, there IS help all around me. I just have to give in to it.
