In addition to my ongoing severe depression, I have noticed this week that I have been completely unable to focus.
I don't mean I've been distracted or daydreaming. I mean that I was listening to Sabrina is our weekly meeting and literally could not focus on what she was saying to process and make sense. At night, I'm not bored watching TV so am playing on my phone - I am trying to make my brain "stick" on something because nothing (conversation, TV, phone, meals) is concrete. Everything is just an ocean of happenings - I can't remember more than a couple of seconds. It's maddening.
On top of EVERYTHING else since late May, I started powerful topical steroids to treat my longtime rectal wounds (which my dermatologist finally officially diagnosed as pyoderma gangrenosum). I literally filled the prescription and started using it the day after Doug went to the ER for ripping his face open on the lamp.
So, it's easy to see how the timeline of treatment (which has been overwhelmingly successful as the wounds are 95% or so healed) directly overlaps with Doug's injury, H's death, the disastrous 4th of July, my feeling defeated at work, etc so that I couldn't differentiate what was causing my moods.
I'd had the thought several weeks ago to see about side effects for topical steroids to see if it was affecting something (maybe because I woke massively dizzy for 4 days in a row), but I didn't actually get around to it until this morning when I was at my absolute wit's end.
I saw a study that in RARE cases (i.e., me every damn time they say that), the use of the exact highly potent topical steroid I've been using does severely affect mood and mentality including depression, anxiety, confusion, and forgetfulness. GOD DAMN!
Once again, I'm at that crux where I have to weigh the benefit vs the side effects. Since the steroids seem to have plateaued, I'm switching to topical collagen for the next week to see if that will help complete healing as well as give my brain a chance to recover.
Of course, in the last week, I've spent more money than I probably should reordering my spray CBD and other products to desperately try to relieve what's been happening.
Here's hoping I don't get major wound setbacks but DO get my brain back!
