Life changes and clearing out have often gone hand-in-hand for me. I remember as a kid going through books or clothes or toys every so often to clear out, and there was always an emotional catharsis element to it (not that I had any idea what that meant at the time).
This weekend, I completely what may have been the biggest clear out - NOT connected to a residence move - in my entire life. And, I guess that's reasonably fitting.
I can't express in words, but the early morning hours when I broke my ankle was somehow a seismic shift in my life. When I mentally think through milestones and the timeline of the last 2 years, that feels like that iceberg that sunk the Titanic of so many things that reverberated for a year or more.
One of the many effects of that experience was that I physically could not tidy, clean, or clear out the house like I'm used to doing. Then, once my mobility returned, I didn't have the energy or emotional stores to take on any of it. SO, that weight of the house and its state has felt crushing for a long time.
I've been chiseling away at that weight for a while now - reorganizing the office and living room to create my dedicated work space. Adding shelves to a corner of the office to allow for organized horizontal storage instead of boxes and items just being dumped in a pile. As I've chosen items to get rid of during this or other daily passes, I've collected them in the "open" corner of my bedroom.
Then, once I got this job, another big shift happened. I didn't feel like I needed to hold on to "what if" clothes - what if I change weight again and can't afford enough clothes to bridge sizes, what if I get a different job or my job changes and I suddenly need this certain type of attire. I also wasn't so desperate for the emotional validation, expression, and outlet that I felt some of my clothes gave me in the circumstances I was in.
So, this weekend, I completed clearing out my closets, shoes, and clothing drawers. I donated 5 kitchen trash bags full of clothes to Goodwill, and I have 2 sizable boxes of nicer clothes I'm sending to ThredUp to try to sell. I donated a giant bag of shoes and 4-5 boxes/bags of housewares to Goodwill - AND ACTUALLY DROPPED THEM AT THE DONATION PLACE (this usually takes another several months to finally achieve).
I was struck by how much pain I identified in many of those clothes I was getting rid of - sizes that I thought I was "supposed to" strive for, retail therapy that never brought the peace I really wanted, all the times that I gave up what is really my style or how I wanted to work (because of harassment, laziness, or manual labor). There was so much money tied up in those bags that could have gone to so many other things. Plus, all the times I had fought with the overabundance of items in drawers and closets to get to an item I wanted - wasted time and energy.
But my mindset in this clean out - and especially the packing up to give away - was very different. I wasn't completely centered on my need for clear space or an emotional discharge. I thought about the person that might find that item of clothing that I had been so happy to find in a store, shocked to be able to afford, and confident when I wore it - moving closer to a version of life I'd hoped for. I put the intention of joy and hope into the items for the next owner.
I recognized the era of my life each piece had accompanied me through and honored that before also recognizing that it was no longer right for me or my needs. I guess that what the Marie Kondo organization books are about, but this felt very personal to me. I'm usually so sad that getting rid of things is letting go of a part of my life/past, but this time, I was grateful in a deeper way than I've known before.
There's definitely still some finer organizing - and lots of actual cleaning - that needs to take place in my room. I can't even start to talk about the organizing needed throughout the rest of the house (or cleaning), but I had that deep rest last night that I haven't felt in a very, very long time.
I do feel a weight off of me this morning for a change. Boy, am I hoping this is a promising omen for the rest of the year!
