If I were to go back and read any journals that I may have written at the time, I may completely negate this statement, but...even through the years when my Crohn's was at its worst and my depression was at its deepest, I don't know that I have felt like I truly fought through a year like I did in 2022.
Ever since I started choosing "theme words" for each year, I'm hopeful but also cautious of the ways they could influence my life over the next 12 months. When enough and still presented themselves as the words for 2022, I figured it could be a mixed bag.
I will say that I learned to be STILL. I didn't have the energy to push myself to accomplish tasks around the house like I'd wanted to - even basics of cleaning - with how burned out and broken I felt. I decided to be gentle with myself, though, instead of criticizing or dragging myself to check the lists. Anything that wasn't absolutely necessary could wait, and it has. Most of it still is.
It kind of reminds me of when I "gave up" in the hospital in 2009/2010 so my energy could be used by my body to heal however it needed to instead of using it in a futile attempt to grasp for control. It was also the comfort that I would have wanted as a child struggling through a dark time, so I gifted that to myself.
The stillness really started when I broke my ankle in Oct 2021. Though I could not imagine it at the time, I have pretty much regained full use and mobility in my ankle (plus arthritis), but it did take quite a while PLUS quite a toll on the rest of my body. In March 2022, I really felt like the stress of work and all my body had been through with my ankle (unnatural weight shifts while letting the bones heal then trying to get my natural gait back) - my neck basically locked up and I was in major pain for several days. It did make me start going to a chiropractor (which has been good) but also started the slide into fully ending Orangetheory.
For several years (really, since I attended Upward and was willing to admit how bad of a fit I was for my job), I had been so unhappy and pushing myself so hard to do what did not come naturally for me in any way. I was asked to be a fundraiser and a people person - which seems so damn easy to everyone except for those of us who such things strip away your soul instead. Yeah, that sounds dramatic...until I realized a few weeks into my new job at UAB that I didn't remember anyone praising me for a long time - NOT because they had not, but because I was beating myself up so hard for what I wasn't doing right that I couldn't allow the praise in.
This is where the ENOUGH of it all comes into play. I've heard people say that they didn't feel like they were "enough" a lot, but I didn't really understand it. Enough what?
I had been working so hard to fit what I needed to do in my position at United Ability that I was barely holding it all up to function. I was also constantly told that I needed to do more. I felt like I was wrong or something was wrong with me when it seemed like all other fundraisers weren't having such struggles - especially the whole Junior Board thing. But GOD, I was struggling. When I got (what I thought were) allies to support a non-sports community fundraiser for the Junior Board, I was excited and felt like this could be my chance to turn it around and achieve what I had been trying for.
Well, it turned it around, alright. When the event - no matter how hard I tried and how much I actually asked for help (for a change) - crashed and burned, I knew I should have left years ago when I'd first wanted to. I do not say it lightly that "by the Grace of God" I found and was hired for my UAB job.
I had lived for so long not thinking that I was doing enough, that I wasn't good enough, that it wasn't a bad fit but that I was lacking. When I was offered the job, it was the first time (in a long time, if not ever) that I felt like I was "enough." I didn't feel like I was getting a job strictly because I needed a paycheck (also possibly was for the first time ever) and I didn't feel like I was being hired for a job that I knew was going to end up forcing me down a completely different course (which could still happen, of course).
I'd always had this hurt that no one had ever tried to poach me. No one had ever said, "you're work is so good that I was you for this position." I always felt like it got the job because I knew someone and I was the easier choice. THIS job, though, while my connection got me in the door, it was ME and MY PERFORMANCE that got me the seat. It was an incredibly feeling of approval and validation I had been needing and craving. I was finally enough.
This year - with the mentality of comforting myself with stillness and my urge to be enough, I also let go of expectations I've been putting on myself in so many ways for so many years. I finally officially stopped caring about my weight. I am stopping holding on or buying clothes that will be great when I finally lose those few pounds. I stopped thinking about what I should or shouldn't eat (expect with respect to trying to severely limit foods that may contribute to kidney stones because those are bastards).
In a lot of ways, I think I've started to forgive myself for not having a perfect family relationship or for not being a better daughter to Mom. I think that when I assigned my parents superhero status when I was kid, I assigned that perfection to myself, too (unknowingly). I'm trying to be more understanding and more approving on my humanity with its imperfection, with its lack of knowing, with its need to give up sometimes.
Beyond just what was going on with ME, it was a hard year feeling like I was constantly having to prep me - and Doug - to lose Horatio. We fought with him and his little body all year, too. I still don't think I completely realize the toll or the stress being the key health decision maker and enactor of the family for him has had on me. In a lot of ways, it literally had been me keeping him alive (thankfully he has fought along with me and chosen to bounce back every time).
So, 2022 had ended. Enough and Still served me... not well but they were themes for my year that helped me through and helped me continue to grow in new ways.
For 2023, one word came quickly - CLEAR. Probably partly because all my stillness of the last year has left the house in overwhelming disarray this feels like a physical weight tied to me.
The other word took a bit longer, but when it came, it was like it whispered "I promise I'm really the right word:" FREE.
Here we go, being Clear and Free in 2023.
