On this journey to like myself and enjoy life again, I had an appointment with a therapist through our EAP at work last night. We covered a lot of ground in our hour - especially as I tried to lay out my personal history and relationships in under an hour to provide her background. Unfortunately, I think the whole premise of "EAP doesn't deal with clinical issues or provide more than 6 appointments" may have affected her approach a little, but I also was pretty clear that I was looking for tools to help me change undesirable behaviors I was seeing in myself rather than looking for a deep dive into all my psychological background.
Here are some of the interesting things that came up:
- Genetics - To some extent, she basically said that a lot of what I'm going through it just part of who I am. Considering Mom has anxiety issues and Dad has a short temper with impatience PLUS I'm an overachiever, I'm basically predisposed. I absolutely agree with this, but I disagree with her that there isn't much I can do about this. Yes, I think this makes it more likely that I will have anxiety cycles and be moody, but I refuse to believe that it is out of my hands to make any improvement in myself in these areas.
- Prescription - She said that the 10mg of Lexapro that I've been on for years "isn't even a therapeutic level." Considering that is the generally suggested amount for adults to take, that seems like a slightly odd statement to me. Since it is used to treat depression and anxiety, though, she did suggest I talk to Dr. Armour about increasing my dose to the upper limit of 20mg to see if it could help take the edge off to make things easier to deal with (since that is how I described its effects on depression when I first started taking it).
- Grounding Exercises - She gave me a handout on grounding techniques to try to help focus on the here and now rather than obsessing about the past or future (which I cannot control) to try to break my thought cycle. I really liked that as a tool to try. Plus, it explained why Chuck started listing everything in his surroundings on Better Call Saul when he was trying to manage his electromagnetic sensitivity (yes - self help and making TV better!).
- Anxiety Workbook - She asked if I'd ever heard of the Anxiety and Phobia Workbook. I told her I had actually bought some type of Anxiety Workbook a couple of weeks ago but had not had a chance to start it yet. She said it would probably have good tools as well. Before bed last night, I started reading the MUCH shorter book that I also purchased (Anxiety: What Turns It On, What Turns It Off) to see what tools it had and as a prep for the workbook.
- Improvement on Mom and Dad- I realized as I was thinking about about the appointment that I had not used the usual negative language I use to describe Mom and Dad. I didn't focus on the dysfunction of their marriage (it came up as an afterthought when I was talking about why Doug and I aren't married). Overall, I found myself acknowledging their negative traits that I see in myself but otherwise considering them very positively. I'm hoping this is a major indicator that my view of them IS changing for the better so that I can really start rebuilding my relationship with them. I have such a tendency to only be able to focus on or consider the negative about my home life so I really hope that my recent good experiences with them are helping change my overall viewpoint.
So, did I get the magic solution I was hoping for. No - of course, I know it's going to take a lot of work to change these behaviors anyway. However, I was validated that (a) I'm not crazy, (b) I'm not completely to blame because some of this is innate, and (3) I have been on the right track pursuing answers on my own.
However, since I don't really have a therapists to help me sort through my thoughts and feeling with this process, I will likely be blogging more and more to try to distill everything out. Hope my fingertips can handle all the typing.
