For what is probably weeks but feels like months, I have been thoroughly wrung out - emotionally, physically, the whole 9 yards.
My weight has crept back up as I my only soothing agent I could find has been food (because I haven't had the time or energy to actually create reliable new avenues despite best efforts). I feel like each week is just one long unending day. I am completely unable to think straight. Any glimmer of positivity within me has withered - and being 100% aware of all of this and feeling helpless to change it is maybe the worst part.
Last night, after yet another non-stop-but-not-feeling-like-anything-got-accomplished day, I had to go to a social I had organized for the Junior Board at work to try to get the group to gel since there are so many new members. It was literally the last thing I wanted to do. I was on the verge of exhausted tears on the way over (not an uncommon state to be in, of late) and was honestly hoping no one would show up.
When I got there, one member was waiting. Slowly a few more drifted in, and we ended up having about a dozen total over the few hours we were there. Now, it may have been the 3 beers and serving of whiskey, but I actually had FUN and enjoyed it.
In fact, I enjoyed it so much that I - and 2 others - ended up staying an hour past when we had planned to leave. For at least those 3 and a half hours, I had been snapped out of my hopeless, dark state, and it was REALLY nice.
I was sincerely laughing and relaxed. I was singing crazily on the way home - which I don't remember the last time I did. I completely crashed soon after getting home, but it was great.
When I got up this morning, some of that brightness still lingered - enough to make me not completely dread getting up and going to work. In fact, I didn't wait until the absolute last minute to get ready and leave - I left at least 5 minutes earlier than usual.
Of course, once I got to work, that unavoidable chaos that seems to engulf my every day dampened that pep in my step, but the memory of it and realization that it IS possible gives me hope that there is a world (and a me) beyond this that I can reclaim again.
