So, lately, I feel like I have been turning more and more into a total bitch.
In my head, I know it isn't me and that I shouldn't be acting this way, but my brain also doesn't want to cooperate in controlling my reactions better. I know I CAN be in complete control of it, but I can't figure out what the problems are to get a handle on it. I just feel broken all over.
Several months ago, I saw a meme on FB that really struck a cord: "Are you being led by your spirit or your wound?"
More and more, I would say I am being led by a wound, but I can't identify what that wound is to heal it. I feel like an injured animal that just lashes out at any interaction because I'm just trying to curl myself into as tight of a protective ball as I can.
I've been trying to apply my usual tools - identify a time in my life when I felt the same way to help me unravel and identify my feelings/stimuli to suss out a solution. I without a doubt know that I've been here before. I can't count the times that I identified "I feel crazy" and that I just wanted to escape for awhile. The problem now, though, is that my head is spinning so much and I am so mentally, physically and emotionally exhausted that I can't focus myself to do this.
I feel like who I am is being smothered - it is disappearing under all that I am doing (or feel like I am being expected to do) for everyone else. I keep trying to grasp for anything that will fill this hole. I'm desperately trying to pay my credit card debt and funnel all non-essential spending to that (another major stressor constantly weighing on me) so retail therapy isn't even an option (which, admittedly is probably a good thing). I'm also desperately trying to get my weight back under control, but without other methods to soothe myself, I'm find myself stress eating and drinking every day.
I keep trying to separate myself to escape and try to clear my head enough to find a toe hold to start wading my way out of this state, but I can't stop my head spinning or find a safe enough place or figure out an effective enough distraction to let me start that process.
I don't know how or who to ask for help. I love Doug, but he is a typical guy who wants to try to fix or tell me what to do when I try to vent to share my feelings. A few weeks ago, I did talk to him about feeling overwhelmed and having to be "on" when I'm home by handling so much around the house and dealing with him when he's drunk. He's trying to turn over a more proactive leaf this year, but for the past few weeks, he has taken care of seemingly small but incredibly significant things like moving large boxes from recent purchases to recycling or emptying the kitchen trash or running/emptying the dishwasher or cleaning the pet messes in the living room. These seem like nothing tasks, but with the way I feel, even the slightest thing added on my "to do" stack makes it feel like the whole thing is going to topple.
I know part of my anxiety, fear, anger, whatever is being forced out of my comfort zone in driving the planning of 3 events (2 at work and 1 for Crisis Center JB). Part of that frustration is that I'm having to prompt other people to do things to make the event happen and rely on them to do those things (which they don't half the time) rather than just being in control and doing it myself.
My "get things done so you're ready if something comes up later" mentality is also biting me hard. Even though one of my events isn't until August (and it makes sense to start planning this early), I realize that I am behaving with the same level of panic as when it is next week. I am falsely spinning myself to try to make all sponsorships, auction items, etc come together right away. Again, part of my brain knows that I can take it down a notch and realizes this is irrational, but that part is being drowned out by the alarm that the other part of my brain is sounding.
I've been considering exploring the EAP at work to see if I can find a therapist to talk to so I can sort this out, but I feel so lost and weak that I can't even make myself take the steps for that. I also (because it's how I've always done) am trying so hard to suss out the issue to solve so that I know what I'm trying to find help for. I also feel like I am so deep in my wound that I can't admit how far down in it I am for fear of people realizing how much I don't measure up to the level of expectation they invest in me.
Something's got to give - and it will one way or another. I just need to find the key, the start to find the path to get back where I need to be. I just hope I find it before I completely ruin everything and myself.
