Because I didn't want to weigh down tonight's festivities with my concerns about Doug's drinking - and because I was continually upset about how I was feeling this morning - I asked Doug to meet me for lunch.
I cried the whole way to Panera Bread (the fastest place I could think to eat with at least a little privacy), but managed to compose myself when I got there. We ordered and enjoyed our food. I had taken my letters with me - one was my love letter for our anniversary and the other was the letter I'd written about his drinking.
I gave him the love letter first. He was moved. The words still don't do justice to how much I care about him - none ever will. We reminisced for a bit about last year. I told him about the blog entry from when I got home NYE that I reread the other day and how I was trying to decipher NYE with him - how he'd invited me out to smoke and bought me a drink and texted me at the end of the night. He told me about how he'd sat on the couch New Year's Day pumping the roommates for advice on whether he should call and what to say. I confessed that I still don't remember anything of what was said on the call because I was so shocked and nervous, but I do remember making myself laugh because I knew I was supposed to at something he said even though my brain didn't process what he'd actually said. It was a nice few moments.
As much as I didn't want to, I made myself give him the second letter, too. He read it and shook his head in agreement as he read. When he finished, he said that everything in the letter was true and thanked me for having the courage to say everything to him. I teared up some again and apologized for making that part of our anniversary. He apologized for having to make it part of our anniversary. We both said "I Love You" and chit chatted a bit more, but the mood had been brought down.
I returned to the office, and he went back home. I cried the way back to the office. Whenever I have to have one of those discussions with him, he looks so disappointed in himself, and it rips my heart out. I know that he already knows what I tell him, but it can't make it easier to have it told to you. I told him that I am there to help in anyway I can, and then I knew when we started this journey that it was a battle I was signing on for. It doesn't hurt me any less to deal with it, either, though.
So, we'll see where we go from here. I know he's aware of his problem. I don't know what his plan is, though, to move forward. I told him, too, though, to please not hide anything from me. My biggest worry is that by bringing it up to him that he'll just do it behind my back and lie to me about it. I asked that if he is drinking to at least be honest with me about it.
I guess it's good that it hurts so much because it means I do care about him so deeply. I just wish I knew what more to do for both of us. I also wish this wasn't the memory I was going to have for the first relationship anniversary that I've ever had in my life, but it is. There will be more memories than this, but I have to remember this, too. Without remembering the rough part, we won't learn from it.
Now, hopefully, I have the crying over for the day, the sadness over for the day.
I wanna celebrate the amazing love that I have shared with man of my dreams for a year, and I wanna celebrate the promise of that love for many years to come.
