So, I woke up on the morning of my anniversary dating Doug not ebulliently happy, but overwhelmingly concerned.
Doug's drinking is getting worse. I know part of it is because he has been off work for a week and had nothing to do but think, sit, and drink. That's not an excuse, though. I realized last night that I have been giving myself excuses for his drinking for the year I've been with him. I kept thinking that he'd straighten out after whatever was happening at the moment worked itself out. The truth is - there will always be something that needs to work out. He has drank like crazy for years - so long and so often that it truly is a habit that he isn't even completely cognizant that he's doing. He just gets in the rhythm of pouring a drink or opening a beer, and he robotically continues it until there is nothing left.
He will continue to do this. I can't make him stop. No one else, except the law, has ever been able to. What I can do it honestly bring it to his attention, put the ball in his court, and see what happens. I just spend 20 minutes writing a letter that I will give to him either tonight or in the morning (whenever he is sober and not rushing somewhere so we can actually talk). It is my intervention, my plea to him.
I love him. God, I love him SO much! I desperately want to spend my life with him, and it completely destroys me to even begin to consider not having that. At the same time, I can't watch him destroy himself. If it has been this way in only a year, it honestly panics me to think what the rest of our lives could be like.
When I have thought this before, I wrote it off as panicking, as over-thinking, as being manipulated by the roommates. My eyes, though, are open now. I have been almost crying this morning thinking about it, so that tells me that I have to do something. I HAVE to address it with him - even though I'm afraid nothing will change, even though I'm afraid this is only the beginning of a battle we will have forever, even though I'm afraid this may instead be the death knell of something beautiful in my life.
I have to put this in God's hands. I literally have no power here. There is nothing I can do beyond what I am doing.
The rest is up to Doug.
