Work finally hit a fever pitch.
Ever since Karen got hired as Director of the AISA team, she has helped our data and technology capabilities grow by leaps and bounds. She has also brought a lot of drama, blocked other project progress, and frustrated a lot of people.
When we officially started the CRM migration project, I felt like there were not enough details being shared or direction being given to make sure we make progress as smoothly or as quickly as needed. Unfortunately, that has proven incredibly true.
On top of that, inexplicably to everyone involved, Karen has been completely unaware of her or her team's key responsibility for data mapping plans between the databases. We are now WEEKS behind, and despite hours of dedicated meetings, she is still behind and completely clueless.
A few months ago, Marylyn was talking about needing to reorganize offices again because of some new positions and had kinds of tested the idea with me of moving AISA under me. I said then that of course I had some concerns but whatever needed to happen, I'd do my best. I have learned that stuff like this doesn't get fruitlessly floated, and other clues lately convinced me this was coming.
Birmingham has had a crazy weather pattern coming through, so I has a migraine Wednesday, a migraine hangover Thursday, and another migraine today - that was only temporarily relieved by medication. I know what I really needed was to stop and rest, but with all going on at work - especially since I finally feel like we're starting to make progress, taking time off would only dig me deeper.
This morning, Marylyn asked if I could meet with her and Tom. I had a pretty good feeling of what was coming.
Marylyn addressed the situation diplomatically, but it was obvious that we were all on the same page with what needed to happen and why. They made it clear that what they were proposing was something they had been considering for a while and were planning on moving towards it in the next few months anyway but that they'd had to massively and unexpectedly move the timeline up. In fact, they had to move it up so much that they aren't completely sure what my new title will be, exactly what the new team structure will be, or what my pay increase will be.
Basically - at minimum - I would add the guys in the AISA team (Mig, Destin, and Shane who I started at UAB as Asst Dir of but was not actually their managing supervisor) to Alecia as my direct reports. The potential org chart - which is full-on top secret - that Marylyn showed me also moved Advancement Careers team and Karen under me. Plus left the position for Sr Dir of AOS open.
As I spoke with Tom and Marylyn - then just with Marylyn in her office, I have to fully admit that everything in me was screaming "this is what it has all been for! this is where you are supposed to be!"
I feel like I am finally fulfilling my life purpose. I will have the influence to be able to directly help people and make other changes.
Of course, this also means that I am going to be stretched more thin and in different directions than I ever have been. I will suddenly be directly managing people that I know are hard to manage in a lot of ways - but are also incredibly talented and valuable. I don't completely know how to best handle that. I will absolutely have reached that point of management where my hands cannot be directly in the work as much as I have been so I have to delegate and trust.
I have been overwhelmed and barely keeping my head above water at work so far this year, so I am trying to take hard stock of what I realistically - whether I like it or not - need to do, need help with, etc to take some of the weight off myself to be able to focus on and do what I need to do to help the overall team move forward.
However, I in no way doubt that I can and will find a way. I am not afraid of failing by taking on more like I would have been at one point. It's actually kind of amazing the amount of confidence that I have build since coming to UAB and being in a situation to truly recognizes and appreciates my strengths and even the weirdo that I am instead of making me feel like I have to constantly mask or tone down.
On my drive home, I was thinking about how Doug has proudly talked about how he called me a superhero because of my stage management accomplishments even before we got together. I realized that he - and generally, all of society - consider someone a superhero when they are able to juggle or handle more than should be humanly possible. I, frankly, hate this perception because people who view you through this lens (including Doug) frequently just think the "superhero" can handle anything so they let them.
What I realized today is that I am a superhero. Not because I can magically handle crushing amounts of responsibility and tasks and needs. It is because I recognize issues and am willing to try to find solutions or improvements AND follow through, despite the potential cost to myself in the process.
After the toll working late more frequently in the last few weeks has taken on Doug and me, COST is my biggest fear in this change, not failure.
I carry a lot of weight of work at work, but I carry as much - if not more at home.
Part of that is trying to keep the peace. I know that Doug needs connection but - because of his constant need for drug and alcohol consumption...and the chasms that has caused in some of his friendships - I am often his sole resource. While Doug has taken on some more chores in the last year or two (usually after a heated argument where I finally blurt out all the things I've kept inside) and have been an absolute life-saver caring for Annabel since her diabetes diagnosis, he also gets easily triggered and defensive any time I bring up the amount of household needs I am primarily or exclusively responsible for.
I feel like how we move into this new space in my life with make or break not only our relationship but me as a person.
THIS is what scares me - that I end up having to sacrifice our life for my career.
So, of course, my fixer brain immediately starts thinking of all the things I need to be able to offload so that when I'm home, I can be home instead of just feeling like I'm overwhelmed by a second job. But how do I have that conversation with Doug?
He can't change who he is - which is why I live with what I've lived with. I can't count on him after about 1:00 on weekends or after 5 or 5:30 on weekdays. He does not take reliable responsibility for household projects. He IS the clutter around the house and why I cannot ever get a handle on it. Food has become exclusively my responsibility - though he swears he can take of himself when he generally doesn't eat if I don't take care of it. He's also offered to help cook every once in a while but I can't count that he's going to have it ready early enough or that it'll be something that is not incredibly unhealthy.
I don't know how to approach what I need him to "own" without immediately putting him on the defensive. Hell, I don't even know if I know what I want to ask him for. But, I also feel like I need it all to happen NOW so I don't have to keep worrying about everything.
A few basic things that Doug could take over - primary contact for APS and yard care company.
Bigger things: get the house organized and hire a housekeeper to help keep it in order so I can have my weekends.
Pay the yard company to do the season-change big clean up that I try to do myself (since Doug won't do it) so that our house looks nice but gives me time back on weekends.
Look up local meal prep options so that we can at least have maybe half the meals each week as heat-and-eat so I don't have to deal with meals when I get home.
Yes, I wish I could just ask or trust that Doug could take house tasks on, but realistically, if he never has, he never will.
It's a weird place to be to pay people to "serve" you or do things that I feel like I "should" be able to do. The reality is that I already can't manage these things. Instead of being so financially strapped that I have to choose between meds or food, I am so time-and-energy strapped that I have to choose between recharging and accomplishing important tasks.
Ultimately, yes, I want it all. I want to have clean and organized surroundings. I want to be able to relax at home so that I can give my all at work. I want to not feel so drained constantly that I don't have the energy to connect with Doug.
It has to be a perception shift. I have to embrace the reality of my life (or what it will be) instead of fighting those parts that I expect to be different but just won't.
This is my time and my chance to - in a lot of ways - have the life I've wanted. I just have to take down some of the boundaries I've been enforcing out of unrealistic expectations and instill some other ones to preserve myself.
