I realized recently that I don't remember most of this year.
If I really try, I can remember certain things. Or, I keep attributing things that happened last year as having happened earlier this year.
I don't remember the last time I saw, hung out with, or even spoke to my best friends. I've barely even been calling Mom and Dad once a month.
In a lot of ways, I feel like I've disappeared from or abandoned consciousness in my own life.
I also thought about the overwhelming and alarming reactions I had to major events...like Bertha falling and blocking Valley for hours; like the car hitting the remains of Bertha in our yard; like missing the entire first day of our Dominican Republic trip because of flight delays; like struggling to help Bert get home from an ETC show when his accessibility ride service didn't answer.
Each of those experiences resulted in an overwhelming fight-or-flight-then-shut-down response like I've never had. It's almost like I went into shock - uncontrollable shivering, having to mentally disconnect for someone else to take over for self preservation (without even consciously doing so).
I started thinking back to overwhelming circumstances I've been through in my life previously, and Lord, there has been some stuff. I've always met the challenge. I've always pushed back.
So now, I don't know if I just don't have the fight in me anymore - or if there is a fundamental chemical/hormonal change affecting me.
I talked to my new GP about it at my check up a few weeks ago. We decided to increase the new antidepressant that I've been on for almost 2 years now. I've had a few side effects (most noticeably major fatigue and appetite changes), but I take those as a sign that maybe the increase is actually affecting me so will ultimately have encouraging effects.
I also do feel like I've been through a bit of a transformation this year. I've been trying even more to authentically consider why I'm doing something to see if I'm doing it because "I'm supposed to" or because I want to. I'm still frequently surprised when I realize the answer.
However, these is a bit of emptiness, too. So many of the things I connected to, I don't anymore.
Buying is a big one. I used to buy all kinds of little things - especially if they made me think of someone. Now, I do still tend to buy clothes, but I'm slowing getting better at reducing that.
This year for Christmas, I didn't really shop for anything for anyone. I used to take joy - I guess - in finding something unique that really "fit" someone. Now, though, it just seems like "stuff" and that it takes my energy in a larger proportion to the appreciation from the recipient than makes sense.
Part of me wonders if the "joy" I thought I felt was actually the dopamine hit of buying, and gifting was just my excuse to do it. Putting energy into buying for everyone else because that's how I felt connected to them. But now I'm realizing, it wasn't a real and meaningful connection.
I have spent my life chasing - chasing achievement, chasing approval, chasing a size, chasing financial security, chasing the things you were supposed to do to be successful. I feel like I made it to the top of that hill for me - where the chasing is done because I have it or don't need it anymore. But what does that leave me with?
It does make me question ME. Who am I without the need to achieve or without constantly trying to make sure I get ahead?
A part of me does recognize the opportunity to let wasn't doesn't serve me drop away. I do fear that maybe some of that also means that I may have to reintroduce or reassert who I am to some of those around me.
But I also feel like those few who I have always been my actual self around won't be surprised and won't really notice a difference.
My constant fear in this "ramping down" is that I'll ramp down to the point of being my mom. Living in this enclosed, small world that I accidentally created for myself but then feeling like a prisoner in.
I guess that's what I fight against now.
Here's hoping that the new medication levels help, that this is a true new perspective on life that will take me to even better places that I thought possible, and that I will begin connecting to my life - and the people in it - in even more meaningful ways.
