Well, as always seems to happen, as soon as I wallow in my joy, it is gone.
After writing about how relieved and happy I've been with the change in job and how that has influenced other parts of my life, I returned to the office today in a full funk.
Life is definitely a balance.
Horatio has been in the full grips of a nausea cycle since late last week - barely eating more than a few bites. Saturday, he finally at 2/3 of a can of food so I thought we were finding our way to the other side. Instead, he barely at again yesterday so starting on chicken and rice today (he ate most of the rice and the topper treats I gave him this morning since the chicken wasn't thawed). I at least feel better after seeing the specialist knowing that this is our new normal instead of an indicator of further decline. I know he doesn't feel good and I'm powerless to help beyond the few things I can do that way or may not work over time. It's like an outward manifestation of my own chronic illness.
Speaking of which...I am so damn tired of dealing with my Crohn's, too. I realized - as I was determined to push for a better solution to try to treat my cutaneous Crohns at my GI appointment last week - that I have been dealing with this almost the entire time that Doug and I have been together. For almost a full month now, my farthest rear wound has actually had pain almost constantly - instead of for a few days, giving me a break, then for another day. I can't get away from it, and it reminds me constantly that I've still broken.
The depression set in yesterday. I was irritated by everything all day long, and I still feel that today. For the first time in a long time, I lay back down on the bed for a minute before I got dressed.
I have zero desire to be productive today but know I have to be because if I let this funk put me behind the depression will set in even more.
All the grace and understanding I've given myself for letting what doesn't seem to overwhelm anyone but me full-on overwhelm me constantly has disappeared. I keep beating myself up for not being that person who is constantly checking in with everyone in my life and having a close relationship with everyone who matters. Instead, I feel like I'm struggling to even be aware that those I care about exist in the world.
The thing is that this isn't a new experience - the pendulum shift from positive to not or the feeling of being down or of being not enough. It's my life and it always has been.
At least now I recognize the normality - and maybe even requirement - of it so that I don't think this is how it will always be when it comes. It too will pass like always, but in the meantime, it does suck.
