Last year seems to have officially started Chaosland again. Between getting JB events up and running at work, making GIG improvements, learning a new event system at work, coordinating volunteer requests, promoting back-to-back ETC events, planning ETC improvements, reigniting Unending Hugs FB page, trying to build my improved spending and eating habits, etc... I'm juggling a lot and trying to keep it all from crashing.
End of last week, I started feeling that electrical corisol pulse that I felt almost constantly last year. Of course, I started to panic. Was I making the wrong decision trying to step down my Lexapro to my original mg dosage? Has the testosterone treatment not been the answer I thought it was? Is it a medical response or just the fact that I'm doing too much? Does this mean I'll never be able to take on more responsibility? Of course, I was sandcastling.
This week, while things have NOT slowed down, I've been trying to be more intentional about recognizing that my electrical impulsive, exhaustion, depression, etc is being triggered by the adrenaline and other brain chemicals flooding and receding. I'm working hard on fighting the impulse to salve my highs and lows with food. I'm trying to prioritize, delegate, and claim victories.
One thing I am questioning right now is whether or not my level of engagement and dedication to ETC is appropriate. Let's be honest - I am only as involved in ETC because of my relationship with Doug. I would LOVE to be one of the significant others (like all the others in the group) that could just come to shows when they want and leave it at that. This ship has sailed.
So, if that's the basic impetus for my involvement, why am I stressing myself out trying to - in some cases fight Doug - to try to reorganize and reposition the company? Once again, I feel like I'm pushing harder for ETC than even Doug is. He loves to conceptualize and want to plan, but there isn't the follow through there needs to be to actually make those plans happen. In my usual problem solver capacity, I'm jumping in.
As I completely learn, though, I often jump the gun in trying to solve others' problems in ways that I think are right but later realize I should have waited or backed off instead. I don't trust my inclinations on this habit, so I know I can't gauge whether I'm right in doing this or not. I mean, I've taken a back seat on ETC Productions stuff since it started because I was frustrated putting more effort into his project than he was. However, I'm also to the "shit or get off the pot" point of seeing the company not fulfilling it's potential and the toll it's taking on all involved.
Last night, Chris came over to talk with Doug and me about ETC scheduling shows at the new Bham Improv Theatre in town. Doug has been particularly stubborn in wanting to dig in and push BIT to the side, but Chris is really passionate about joining the attention and excitement of the new theatre. The discussion got a bit heated with Doug just digging in and rehashing the TDT loyalty he feels until I finally couldn't take it anymore and pushed back on him hard about needed to make business instead of personal decisions for ETC. Once we calmed down, I was able to reframe the discussion to take TDT out of the equation and look at the schedule to see where there is potential to schedule shows at BIT. I didn't like the way I blew up and apologized only because I felt like I had set a tone that was not helping solve the problem - exactly what I have lambasting Doug for doing.
My hard J personality is coming out so much in my ETC desires but am tempering it with my personal relationship with Doug. It's really stressful for me. He says he's able to separate business and "us," and on paper, I can, too. But, since a lot of my frustrations of how he's handling (or not handling, as the case may be) ETC lie in the core of who he is, I'm afraid that if I am completely honest, it will create a negative foundational shift in our relationship. But if I keep not "going there" with him, I'm also afraid it's going to erode my respect for him which will also longterm affect our relationship.
My true goal in implementing improvements for ETC is pretty much what it is everywhere I do this kind of thing - get the ship sailing straight and hand it off to someone else to keep it on course. Unfortunately, I don't seem to have great success in handing it off and having people keep up the systems/standards I put in place.
Maybe the true solutions is for me to back off, but I don't know how to disengage or not care. I can't find the answer, but I also don't feel like I can safely address it with him the way I want to. Maybe detailing this in writing will help, but for now, the mental wheels just keep turning.
