Since I am really hard on myself about never finishing things, two of my major goals for 2019 are:
- finish knitting at least 3 scarves for the Crisis Center
- learn Calligraphy and Hand Lettering (for God's sake, I asked for and received everything I need to get started!)
Existentially, I want to stop telling myself that I can't do things. It's the biggest thing that keeps me in my seat or in my place in life instead of growing. I have a battle in my head of "I really want to do this thing (like begin social)" and immediately telling myself that I can't (I'm too tired, I'm too weak, I get too anxious, It hasn't gone well before, etc).
I really have to focus more on me this year. I especially limit myself because of feeling the need to be tied to Doug. I realized with my working out that I was inflicting this self-expectation to be home by 6:00 - it was making me rush through my workouts. I still sort of feel bad getting up to do things around the house or going to things with friends because I "need" to be home with him. Quality time is important to him, and I know we do have to have it to have a good relationship. BUT, if I'm limiting myself because of something that he isn't actually directly requiring of me, it only (1) gives me an excuse to hold myself back and (2) builds up frustration in me.
I have got to figure out the working out thing. Not only is it a good way to prioritize myself and carve out time just for me, it's always the main thing that my perpetual voice tells me I can't do. I legitimately do not like working out - I don't like to do stuff just to do it. That's one reason why I really did like pole dance so much - it gave me a reason to build strength or stretch. So far, my hateful inner voice has successfully pushed me away from all things exercise because it has convinced me I am graceless, ugly, and just flat out unable. I am tired of that voice, though. It is COMPLETELY in my power to do better - I just have to do it. No one else is going to to it for me!
Two things that I need in order to be successful in life and in pole are STRENGTH and FLEXIBILITY. Sure physically on both, but I also have to learn to roll with what I'm given instead of getting angry or hurt. I have to stop grabbing so tightly to control all parts of my life to reduce hurt, anxiety, fear, etc. I have to be willing to recognize what I can and should change and what I can and should "let be."
Of course, this is all stuff I've wanted to or needed to do before. So sure, there is equal likelihood that I'll be in this same spot again next year. But what if I won't be? What if this year could finally at least start - if not actually does - fit pieces of who/what I want with who I am? It still feels big and scary and maybe undoable, but maybe saying that out loud is part of the first steps in making it happen.
