I am really bad about taking time off work - on the rare occasion that I do, it is to do something outside of work. I literally took a day off to do yard work in early summer, not to mention all the Dr. Appointments.
I also (in my own head) constantly talk about - to quote Parenthood - "My whole life is 'have to'." I almost always feel burned out - which I think is one reason why I try to hold so tightly to being in control. I am attempting to gain a foothold or steady grip on what feel like the runaway train of my life. It sucks. It makes me hate myself, or the person I see myself as.
I feel like I'm failing at everything. I feel like I don't have the energy or ability to do better. I'm just trying to keep a strong face (which is more exhausting) to keep everyone from realizing how much I am actually falling apart. I'm afraid that if I do take a break or focus on rebuilding myself that everyone else will think I'm weak.
I always have grand plans for the week from Christmas Eve through New Year's Day that work is closed and I'm home. So far, I also end up doing maybe 1/10th of what I think I should have or needed to do so I can just crash.
This week - as I return back to my routine and my work, I realize that I feel energized and hopeful for the first time in a long time. Unexpected complications aren't sending me into a panic spiral. I realized today that I need to remember this. THIS is what they mean by filling your own cup to serve others or putting the oxygen on before saving other.
I really do need to take time to do nothing - to not plan, to not fix, to not do what I "should." I think that finally focusing on myself in this way could help me overcome SO many of my negative coping behaviors like eating, spending, and being defensive.
I wanted to specifically put this is writing so that maybe I'll remember it. When I am spinning and worn down, I really do just need to take the time to let myself crash and recover so I can come back stronger and more ready.
