I had an epiphany today that could very well change my entire life.
My recent maximum anxiety and subsequent review of stressors to determine how to relieve their impact or just handle them better has set the foundation for starting to connect important dots.
I have always said that I only become a leader when no one else does. I tend to wait to see that someone else will step in and take over. Somehow, I'm still surprised and frustrated when no one else does, but by that time, I've waited so long hoping at someone else would step up that I've put myself in a desperate situation to catch up by the time I do start leading.
I put others before myself (I guess I took that Sunday School lesson a little too much to heart) constantly - their needs, their requests, their responsibilities and limited time/energy, my perceived value of them. Now, in certain situations, this generosity is deserved - when I was a Rape Response advocate, I SHOULD put the survivor I was working with ahead of myself. My friends that are in a rough/vulnerable spot and looking to me for sympathy and support - valid.
However, I put everyone that I work with - volunteers, GIG parents, Jr Bd members, etc - in that same position of authority and control over my energy. That is a lot of what leads to my anxiety - feeling like others are controlling me instead of me controlling my life.
I keep realizing this combative dichotomy that I am supposed to be leading these groups but also expecting them to step up and get the message. I have realized this week that I am failing to set boundaries and expectations as well as provide direction to be the leader I'm supposed to be.
At the Junior Board meeting Monday (and in the email afterward to recount what happened and loop in those who weren't there), I revealed my desperation that I am feeling super behind on Vino and Van Gogh and not getting the help I need. One of the members emailed me back to say that I always seem to have everything together in the meetings and not really need assistance. It turned on a lightbulb - I have not bee clear in asking what I need, I have not lead the group (who as this point are not in supervisory/leadership positions so are used to relying on someone to give them direction and expectations - I just thought of), I have not given them the RIGHT tools to be successful.
Today, I took Annabel to her second round of training classes. Once again, she barked constantly. When the trainer took her (just like in previous classes), she stopped barking. He pointed out to me that difference and that I have to find that same respect with her. It connected with me. I came home and talked to Doug about it - she doesn't jump on him like she does with me, she listens to him when he gives her commands. She respects him differently than she does me. That is going to change.
We were watching yet another episode of Bar Rescue - this one about a new owner who had kept the previous owner on as a manager. She wanted to be hands off and expect him to do everything that was supposed to be done to keep the business going. He had an ulterior motive and didn't care. Taffer kept pushing her to step up and lead, and she kept functioning from fear and waiting/expecting someone else to step up to lead.
I feel like all of these lessons and signs are coming together to send me a message. I have to step up, I have to be a leader. In my head, I am still that starting 20-something year old that is just following someone's directions. At the same time, I WANT to be the nearly 40-year-old experienced professional that I should be.
It's time. I have started stepping back and reassessing what I should be doing with the Junior Board and figuring out a plan to implement it. I will be more controlling and serious with Annabel to earn that respect.
I have to not just discover my strength and voice BUT ACTUALLY CLAIM IT and apply it. I have to start valuing myself and give myself the respect I've been gifting to others (whether they've earned it or not).
Just starting to value myself and dedicate time to what I want to do enough to start my pole classes, starting working out most days of the week, and start reading before bed every night (I've finished 3 books in the last few months when I don't know that I've even read that many in a year for a decade) has made a huge difference. I think before that, focusing on myself for NaturallySlim lit that pilot light.
I have to stop looking to others for my value and power. I want to start taking some leadership training classes to build my confidence and learn tactics for success.
Goddamn it, I DO matter in this world and I DO have the opportunity to lead and influence others to amazing ends. I just have to remind and convince myself of that. I think that's why I enjoyed (and was so good at) stage managing - I connected with my strength in those projects. I've lost that in the last several years, and I need to retap that energy to start liking myself again.
