Uncomfortable Comfort Zone

Well, just when I start to think i am making sense of myself and beginning to be comfortable with who and how i truly am, I realize I am still not so secure after all. Why has it been so much easier to share my thoughts, feelings and pride about my work accomplishments, theatre accomplishments and (maybe most importantly) my relationship with Doug with almost everyone in my life from closest friends to co-workers to hairstylist, but I can barely force myself to say more than two basic sentences to anyone in my family? I have come to visit Grandmom and Granddad for the first time in almost a year - and my first visit with Mom since the Holidays. I was actual anxious when I started to near Enterprise. I wondered why. I mean, i have always enjoyed visiting Grandmon and Granddad - it's like a haven for all us grandkids, but I was still uncomfortable. I was intensely dreading all the questions they might aak and topics they might cover that - though all approached out of care - would delve into these parts of my life that I feel protective of in these surroundings. As i started thinking about it more and more, I realized that I was dreadingthe familiar role that I often end up relegating myself to. I'm still the little girl who tells cute and amusing stories (at least that's how I end up seeing myself) instead of the accomplished, appreciated and independent woman that I am. It is all about the way that I view and, therefore, present myself. I break out of this uncomfortable comfort zone to find a way to respond with and express the person that I really view myself as and reclaim that power in myfamily dynamic. Of course that is bold and lyrical to express in the privacy as safety of this entry, but putting these assertions into practice is a whole other matter, but if I am able to manage at least some first steps to changing my perceived role in my family, it could completely adjust all of my reactions to my actual family and to my notions of family all together. Guess we'll see what happens and how much can be hoped for.