I am all kinds of wrapped up in my head again - I keep trying to do small things (like rearranging and reorganizing my apartment) to get my head right or find peace with my life, but that's not working. So, once again, I turn to words - more specifically, written words - to attempt to accomplish what my actions cannot.
I have to have surgery. I've known it was coming for months (well, really years because we said this was likely to happen one day after my last surgery 2 years ago), and I've tried to let all of those around me know so that no one was surprised - and as a way to prep myself for it. Well, I can't say it's worked as I'd hoped. In my usual obsessive and controlling way, I'm trying to make everything work - I've met with each member of my full medical team to see what needs to be done for each then finally set a definite procedure date, I've called all the HR admin depts to get paperwork processed as it needs to be, I've talked with my team at work to plan for how long I may be out as well as how best to handle my return, and I've tried to take into account my loved ones' schedules then let them know the date far enough ahead to plan. All that planning when, in reality, I know that anything and everything can change in a moment. If I said that doesn't give me a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach, I'd be lying.
I do think everything will be fine, and I'll be happy it's over with when I'm waking up from anaesthesia, but it's the waiting that I dread most. I'm a "do it now and move on" person so the build up kills me. In the meantime, I am trying to organize and orient what I have been wanting to do in my life to hopefully make my time at home during recovery less frustrating.
Work is going well - though it is budgeting time so I am constantly called on to pull data and work numbers. With the database still in "condense and clean up" mode, I often feel like my hands are tied - especially when I know how to do so much of what needs to be done but don't have time so am forced to let our outside vendor get to it as they can. I feel (rightly or wrongly) that everyone in the Region expected the data transition to happen like a magic switch was thrown and now they kind of blame me for it not being that simple. In a perfect world, we would have been able to continue to function as we were, get the database in order behind the scenes and then go live once everything was exactly as it needed to be. That didn't happen. So, I have to keep reassuring everyone and defending myself that we are, in fact, making strides towards where we need to be and will be as functional as we want someday in the not-so-distant future.
The other piece of my emotional puzzle is my relationship with Doug. First of all, it is truly a relationship. It's not some casual interaction or some light friendship - it's intense and meaningful...and amazing. I think about him constantly. I have made changes - though mostly rather small - to adapt my life to him and to assimilate him into mine. He has been SO stressed out lately with show responsiblities and worries as well as work demands,etc. Last night, he was venting about an ETC situation and then apologized for being in a shitty mood - I told him I understood he was venting and he was absolutely entitled to his feelings. I wasn't going to tell him that everything would be rosy or to be happy; he was having those feelings and the best thing was for him to get them out. I told him everything was fine as long as he wasn't shouting and unloading at me, just around me. He said he appreciated me being able to realize when not to take his outbursts personally.
Later, we were having a celebratory dinner at Lovoy's and reliving our first "proper" date that we had there only a few months ago. I said that it was proof that I felt comfortable with him from the beginning which made me more aggressive than usual since I made a sexual remark when he suggested the oyster appetizer (which apparently took him aback) and then later broke the ice by saying "We've done well at the talking part, now should we trying the kissing part?" He said that he has continually enjoyed and appreciated how up front I am instead of droppinig subtle (which would often go missed) cues. He said that I also set forth a practice of sharing something personal about myself which would prompt him to do the same which would make me comfortable to share more which prompted him to share more. We agreed that is probably how we have come so far so fast.
And we have. I (and I think I can safely say he as well) have fallen hard from the beginning - as soon as we knew we were on the same page. And, us being us, were intense sexually as soon as that became part of the equation. As I knew it would, life has now forced its way into things making us tired and distracted. So, we are in the more "settled in" state of the relationship. Here's the only problem - I've never been there before. I keep reassuring myself that we've "cooled off" (which is a very relative term since I still consider us intense) just because our focuses are elsewhere, but we are still obviously still so devoted to one another. We may not be having sex marathons every night anymore, but we still try to find time for one another everyday - usually falling asleep together because we don't want to be out of each others' presence any more than we have to. Last night, as we were snuggling on his bed, he told me, "I have to warn you I can lay like this no less than 100 years with you." It left me speechless. It's those moments that reassure me that no matter where else our focus may be, we're definitely still in each others' view.
That kinda brings me back to being a "do it now and move on" person. I love Doug - with more sincerity and intensity than I thought I would be able to have in my life for anyone. I know that I want to be with him forever - and everything that means, good and bad. I wish that we could go ahead and move in together (hell, I'd be perfectly secure in going ahead and marrying him - which I can't friggin' believe even crosses my mind!) so we didn't have to figure out at the end of the day whose place we'll meet at or if we'll spend the night together or any of that. Last week, while the bathroom was being remodeled at his house, he lived with me. It was wonderful. I SO enjoyed being a family together and knowing that when I can home, when I woke up, every chance I had, he was going to be there. If the roommate financial situation was better (and my financial situation was better, too), I'd push for it - or at least raise the issue. But, I know he is stressed right now and I know that he is a "fixer" in a lot of ways and probably would push himself to make something work. I don't want to put that on him, but, at the same time, I feel SO INTENSELY (I know I keep using that word) about him and about our lives together that it is like a thirst that even an ocean couldn't quench.
So, here I am. With an overflowing well of emotions of love, anticipation, worry and frustration (over all the aspects of my life mentioned above). I guess it makes sense that I am inwardly restless. I guess it also makes sense that I can't find a single, definite answer to solve how I feel.
Therefore, I wait. I'm good at waiting. I've waited this long to get to this place. I can wait again to see what happens next.
