Ok, so I am that single girl, and my damn blog is probably going to be about romance and dating - for a bit anyway.
Last night - only a few hours after typing yesterday's entry, I went over to Sherri's house and in the course of conversation ended up verbally vomitting up to her everything that I had written. I once again teared up as I told her about starting to like Doug and having the thought that I'm not good enough for him. Of course she encouraged me that I was being ridiculous and that I should find a way to ask him to hang out sometime other than rehearsals. I told her I'd see how things went.
A bit later, as we were sitting on her couch talking about something else, I got a phone call. I was expecting a callback from someone else so I didn't think anything about hearing my phone ring since usually the ONLY actual phone calls I get (especially at night) are when I'm on call for Rape Response. Anyway, I pull my phone out of my pocket, and my caller ID said it was Doug. I think I may have stopped breathing for a minute. We chatted briefly (I don't even remember what we said because I was in shock and disbelief. If I had not been staring straight at Sherri's face to see her growing excitement as she figured out what was going on, I probably would have completely lost my shit). He asked if I'd like to grab dinner before rehearsal one night this week, and we agreed to meet for dinner Tuesday.
I was honestly in complete shock. Being the doubter and "nothing good ever happens to me" person that I am, I thought that he was probably just wanting to talk to me about working on a project or something. As I attempted to replay the conversation in my head, though, I began to slowly believe that he might actually be interested in me, too. Of course Sherri keeps teasing me - but also encouraging me - about it.
I admit that there is so much about Doug that I really like, but I am so friggin' scared! I don't know what I'm doing or how this works. I don't want to be too clingy but I want to make clear I'm interested. I want to let him know how I feel and what I think, but I don't want to be too emotional and introspective. On top of all that, I'm a little worried that I know that at least 2 of his friends has a thing for me and Sherri mentioned (before I said anything) the she kinda liked Doug. I'm also worried about the fact that we are so intertwined as far as friends and social circles go. I don't want anything to be awkward with either things not working out between us or (what I would consider worse) some of our friends not approving of us together. I don't mean that I think anyone would come at us with pitchforks or actively try to sabotage us, but I am a little concerned about what their reactions will be.
Let me just go ahead and note how presumptuous, ahead of the game and borderline ridiculous for me to be saying "us." Moving on.
Tonight, though, I realized he really is interested in me. He was already at the theatre when I got there, but he came downstairs as I was having to watch the door and stood with me. He went outside to smoke before we started rehearsal and (even though it was freezing and unusually windy) I stood with him outside. When he finished, I walked inside while he was getting something out of his car, but I heard him call my name and walked back over to him. He looked up and pleasantly surprised said "oh, you came back." I don't know if he wanted to tell me something but someone walked up or what, but it was kind of an endearing little "dance" between us.
During rehearsal, there was a coat in the chair beside me, but he started sitting in the chair on the otherside of the coat chair when he wasn't on stage - he's been sitting on the other side of the audience, usually near Debbie. After rehearsal, he and I stood downstairs until everyone else had left (again - freezing cold!). He had parked directly in front of the front door so we did kind of awkwardly wait :) We said goodnight, confirmed we're still doing dinner tomorrow night, hugged and he gave me a peck on the cheek. So sweet!
I'm trying not to be too much of a girl and analyze or read-into things too much, but I also can't help but be overwhelmed by how different this is. Every other guy that I've been involved with, been on a date with or been attracted to has been, admittedly, primarily physical to begin with (or even exclusive when I realized there weren't really other redeeming qualities). Even though I do find Doug cute, I am more primarily attracted to "him" - his sense of humor, how he interacts with other people, his intelligence, etc.
I've said before - maybe in this blog, I can't remember and don't want to look it up - that I understand sex. Hell, that's usually the only thing that's there (not literally, just the sexual quality). Right now, with Doug, I want more to sit and talk and get to know him better than I already do. I want that emotional intimacy that we have somewhat started in our years of friendship. I want to kiss him and hold his hand or whatever, but that's not my jump-to. I don't even know how to descibe it, but it's different in a good way.
So, I write all of this not to pour over that man that may be coming into my life or to begin building this tale of romance. I write this because I'm trying to make sense out of 1) the fact that it's happening and 2) my anxiety, caution and excitement.
Now the challenge is to truly try to sit back and just let things happen.
