Off With My Head?

So, the situation at work has branched beyond not getting along with Bonnie - although that actually is starting to have better moments where we see eye-to-eye. Over the last couple of weeks - as we have all been pushed to the brink by various team member's sudden absences, the daily bitchfest in the department has reached fever pitch.

As always seems to happen, I have become the therapist of the department with almost everyone (including Linda) coming to me to voice their frustration with the current state of the team. I realized that not only was each person saying almost exactl the same thing, but it was also starting to take a toll on me.

Not only am I constantly exhausted and worked up, I can't manage to get my work done for all of the people needing to vent and the chaotic nature of the way the department now functions. I'm barely speaking to Mom and Dad because I am so close to the edge that I can't handle their persistent negativity and inquiries. Hell, I'm even having at least one drink everyday because I can't calm down at the end of the day. I'm convinced that the constant stress is preventing me from losing weight and from finally healing my now 5-month old incision wound.

I knew something HAD to be done and that we are going to have to raise the subject with Linda - I just want to make sure we go about it in an appropriate and effective way. I have so much respect for Ann, as I know Linda does, and she knows the team so Nicole (who has been volunteered to be the other one to solve this problem) and I met with Ann at lunch today. While we did not arrive at a final solution, it did affirm that we are proceeding in the right way and that Linda should be receptive to what we have to say. I guess we'll see.

Later in the afternoon, most of the team met to discuss details of the upcoming major gift campaign, and I found myself somewhat combative and angry. I knew I was frustrated with all that's happening, but I also realized that I am resentful.

I am resentful that I am the one having to take responsibility to stop just bitching and work to find a solution. I resent that my supervisors are not running their team in a more productive and organized way so that these issues never even started. I resent that I am having to divert energy and focus from the main projects, that I not only need to do but that I also want to do, in order to step up.

Thinking back over my job experience, though, I seem to somehow always end up "managing up" as Ann put it today. I end up setting boundaries, creating protocol, finding solutions, leading my leaders. It's an odd and uncomfortable place to be. I would SO much rather quietly put my head down and complete my daily tasks instead of setting myself up as either the saint or the target.

Ultimately, I just want to be able to be more effective, efficient, and productive in my job. I also want my team to be a team and be on the same page. I know these things are possible - they've at least been close to happening before.

I just hope I don't end up with my head on the chopping block by trying to save everyone else's...again.

Sent from my Kindle Fire

Just a little respect

So, it's still happening - Bonnie and I continue to butt heads. (haha - butt heads, sorry) I know that it's partially her asserting her leadership role, and I'm fighting back because I feel like she doesn't recognize my leadership role in the group (at least in my specialized areas) and doesn't respect my knowledge and experience. I know a good bit of the problem is my attitude - I'm trying to get to the bottom of my reactions to try to control them better, but all bets are off when I am under the constant stress and hurry that I have been under since she started. That's not because of her, it's because of the process of incorporating a new member into the team and redistributing the work of a member of the team (Katie) who's gone for several months and the constant drama of illness, family emergencies, disasters, etc that daily change our workloads. I can't focus long enough to figure out what I'm doing, much less how to approach a more overarching influence. I also know, though, that it's not just me. Without prompting them or (hopefully - I mean, I've tried to keep it as much to myself as I can so I don't infect the rest of the team) without starting the discussion, others have vented to me about how they feel that Bonnie has come in with guns blazing and bulldozed over those of us who have been working in this environment and, therefore, know what's going on. It's really all in the delivery - on both sides of the equation. I recognize that fighting back when I feel a lack of respect being shone to me is an M.O. of mine. Until now, I have felt that respect lacking in this workplace and is a large reason for why I have been so happy here. For this one person to come in and completely upend that is beyond disconcerting. I really do think that we've just all gotten off on the wrong foot and the eventually we'll get used to each other and even start to build some respect, but in the meantime, it's kinda destroying my workplace. Why can't I just work alone?

How Lucky I Am

In my life, most of the people I've known have had some sort of uncanny ability - usually the uncanny ability to call at the worst possible moment to chat or the uncanny ability to make me feel like I'm bothering them with my problems. In the last few days, I have come to appreciate that Doug is the exact opposite of these things. Just a few examples - Last night, I showed up at the Sidewalk Film Festival to stage manage the awards show. Mary Anne Garrett had enlisted me months ago to help give structure to the awards at the end of the festival. About a month ago, Mary Anne (since she had brought me in), Josh (in charge of logistics), Chloe (the Executive Director), Lonnie (the MC) and I had met to discuss items that needed to be handled. We had an action list, and Josh had even followed up with an email recounting the action items and who was responsible (pretty much just him and Chloe). Well, a week ago, I hadn't heard anything so I sent a quick email to ask if there was anything I could be helpful with. I finally got a very basic version of the script and contact info for the tech at Alabama Theatre, the entertainers and the organist. At this point, I didn't know what had or had not been done and what people did or did not know so I just sent my contact info out and let them know that I was available if they had any questions. So, I walked in about 3.5 hours before the show at the Alabama to try to iron out details and found that the details weren't even there to have wrinkles. The tech didn't know anything that was supposed to be happening - that the entertainers (the Sugar Babies who are tap dancers) needed the entire stage, but we would also need the screen lowered to show winning film clips and that we were using the organ. In the span of 2 hours, I had to call or meet with all of the different people involved to figure that out. We didn't even get the finalized script to let presenters know order of awards until 30 minutes before we started. As I was sitting in the lobby of the Alabama feeling frustrated, helpless that I couldn't do anything since the final movie was playing and I couldn't set up anything in the theatre and wondering why the hell I had agreed to do something like this again, Doug sent me a simple text - :) :-* I don't know how he knew right in that moment that I needed a lift, but he sent me one. I texted him back what was happening, and he sympathized. He assured me that this - like in all theatre - would end up magically coming together and working out. He was right. For all of the shared frustration and slackerness, the awards show was great and went smoothly. I shot him a text afterwards to thank him for calming me down and to let him know he was right. Today, my head was just swimming with all kinds of thoughts and emotions as I was coming in to work today. Not only are we in disaster prep mode as a hurricane is headed for the gulf coast, I had to go into work on what was supposed to be a day of PTO to deal with that, I have my final improv class performance tonight, I start rehearsals for the Theatre Downtown ACTFest competition show tomorrow night, and Doug told me Saturday night that he is thinking about leaving that production because he my have a role in another show that he really wants to do. I was overwhelmed by all the activity, and I had not had a chance to discuss the play situation with him at all with everything this weekend. It was on my mind, and I couldn't decided what to do. So, I sent him an email to say I had wanted to discuss it in person but we're both too busy right now - I see both sides of the argument and trust that whatever he decides will work out for both productions. I included a bit about everything else at work, too. He emailed back that he was still deciding on the shows. Then, he sent me the most perfect and exact thing that I needed to hear that it still makes me tear up: "*big hugs* Hang in there, Champ - I know you've got a million things happening today, but such is the burden of a superhero like you. *smooch* You can do it! :-)" In my life, even with my closest of friends, I have rarely felt able to let my guard down and let someone comfort or encourage me when I needed it. I'm used to doing that for other people. Everytime I take that chance with him, though, he uncannily responds in a way that I used to only be able to dream that someone would respond. I do realize how incredibly lucky I am - I hope I never forget that or take it for granted.

It gets better

I was thinking today about the "it gets better" campaign - videos from celebrities and others to gay youth to let them know that there is hope beyond their current hardships.

In a somewhat rare moment of hightened hope myself, I thought that I would officially record that my life has gotten better. When I was in therapy, we talked about what I was like as a child and what I would tell myself at that time if I could go back. I was overwhelmingly alone and hurting - leading to ongoing suicidal ideations.

From a very young age (I can definitely remember before 1st Grade), I created stories and acted out fantasies to allow myself to escape in some way. I had what I guess is ok to refer to as imaginary friends. I would reimagine something that happened but change what happened into something that highlighted me or ended up with people really liking me.

Honestly, I was doing this - to some extent - even a few years ago. I did realize the psychology behind it, but wondered if it meant that I had a special quality of a writer that led me to develop these stories or if I would stop when I became content with my life. I realized on my way to work the other day that I don't even remember the last time I reimagined something and escaped to one of my stories.

Every thing that I used to feel was missing in my life has come into my life in the last few years - my Crohn's came into remission (thanks to surfery), I found a job that I feel is a good fit with people I like, and I finally found the love of my life that I had been creating a lot of those stories about.

So, yes, it does get better.

Making it the best...

Yesterday, I was opening the office mail with Chyan (the newlywed in the office), and she asked about Doug. She said what it seems like others want to ask - do I think Doug and I will get married?

I thought for a minute and said that I think we will.

We haven't talked about getting married - just about living together one day. I know we are both entirely devoted to each other, and we have the strongest relationship of anyone I've been around. Maybe (hopefully) we will.

I have had ideas about how to make a wedding affordable, creative, unique and us. I've thought about what it will be like to give my name as "O'Neil," but I won't let myself actually write it or practice such a signature - I'm afraid that will jinx it somehow.

As I am being asked about the prospect of getting married, Danielle's marriage - not even a year old - has fallen apart unbelievably suddenly. They've been married less than a year. I know that the main issues (his manipulative and vindictive ex-wife and his kids) are not factors in Doug and my relationship, but it still makes me wonder - and fear - if Doug and I will be able to keep our relationship happy, strong, loving, supportive, all the things the relationships I grew up around were lacking.

Isbell and I were also talking about Doug and me (I swear everyone else brings it up!) yesterday. She is in the process of going through her second divorce. I told her that Doug and I have been together 8 months and haven't had a big fight. I can't decide if that's a good sign or not. She asked if we are honest with each other - comfortable saying what we really think and calling one another out when we need to. I told her about a couple of the only "tiffs" (which may still be too strong a term), and how I was honest if something bothered me but tried to be aware of my tone. I also told her about how I try to start a venting session by saying that I just wanted to vent and wasn't expecting a solution.

She was really impressed - as a few others I have had a similar conversation have been - with how I have taken to heart the lessons I have learned from the horrendous relationships around me. I desperately hope I have. I also hope I can keep applying those lessons. It seems like he has also learned a lot of lessons in making relationships work in his life.

So, while I try not to overthink things and enjoy every moment of being together, I also work very hard to make every moment the best with us.

It's worked well so far :-*

Adapt to it

I'm at it again...

I have been butting heads with my direct supervisor. She is new - this is only her second week, and we are only now starting to interact. Her first few weeks, she was meeting with others, attending online trainings and conference calls, etc.Now, she is starting to advise and oversee what we are doing - such as reviewing printed acknowledgment letters.

Here are all of the problems/feelings I'm having:
1) "Here we go again" - A lot of the changes she is requesting are things that have been addressed over and over again, I have stated my reasons for why how we are doing it is a better way and we have done it that way. So, once again, I have to train someone on how everything is done and why.

1a) Why is it that EVERYONE new comes into a place that they have never worked before and want to make overhaul changes? Before they even find out what is done, how it's done and why it's done, they day "let's do it this way." Meanwhile, those of us who have been here a while (and have been fighting to get processes straightened out during the years they've been here) either have to look like the "bitch who says no" or has to smile, nod, and take it (2 guesses which one I am).

2) I feel like my knowledge and experience are not being validated. In fact, I feel that they are being disrespected completely. As much as I get frustrated and overwhelmed by being the "go to" person around here, I am and I am quite proud of that. I not only know how to do my job, but I know how to do (and often end up performing) multiple jobs around the office. In fact, I have developed and implemented many foundations for how we do things now.

3) How dare someone come in, not know (or seem to even try to piece together) the current culture of the team, and just direct?! Our team is special. We have a special rhythm and sensibility that has developed and made us strong. Don't change that - adapt to it.

I'm sure all of these things will solve themselves in time, but this is that inevitable new period where we are all learning one another. Considering that I have also been burned and disappointed by people that were hired to "help out," I'm probably especially judgmental and cautious in these early days. We'll see.

For now, this is MY house. Wipe your feet and take a seat.

Deep breath and dive in

Electricity is pulshing through my body - fueling by anger, frustration, hatred, and other emotions that I can't even come up with strong enough words for. I am TRYING not to explode all of this negativity onto those around me so I have turned to my blog. I was going to throw a terse statement on my FB, but I realized 1) I hate to leave that negativity out there to affect others after it has lifted from me and 2) I don't like to curse on FB.

So, what has me all riled up? I am FUCKING tired of people presenting problems without solutions and then dropping them in my lap to figure out.

I didn't think that I was THAT special in relation to the rest of the world, but apparently I am the ONLY one (at least of those around me) who can think "This is my problem...this is my desired solution," logically consider the steps to get from one to the other and then ACTUALLY TAKE THEM.

Maybe it is from my years of fighting an illness that never stopped or maybe it is the innate nature within me to fix things, but I have somehow been determined by the universe to be an officialy dumping ground for those things that other people can't figure out.

What pisses me off more than having something just dumped in my life (which also, by the way, says that my time and list of things to do is of less value than someone else's needs) is when they dump this item on me without ANY specifics or answers to the basic questions I have.

Here is the specific incident that has me on red alert at the moment - our major funding source (the United Way of Central AL) request is due tomorrow, and Nicole (who is in charge of gathering the info and completing the forms) comes to me completely freaked out because accounting has intentionally skipped over a donor info section of the form because they didn't have the info. Ok, that makes sense. Well, either because she is panicked or because she can't fix problems on her own (this isn't the first time something like this has happened with her), she can't answer my basic questions to figure out the exact information we need instead of going on a wild goose chase for the rest of the day. What's more - she prefers to run around polling us in the office for what we "think" she should do instead of contacting the actual UWCA agency to ask what they ACTUALLY want.

Seriously, clarification goes a LONG way!

At the LEAST, I asked it she had a copy of last year's form to see how it was done since it is the exact same format. She threw up her hands and exasperatedly said "I don't know."

I'm sure this is WHY people come to me, but I wish someone else had this magically ability to know something - I got up, walked over to the file cabinet, located a copy of last year'a application and answered half the questions for myself that she couldn't even be bothered with.

GRRRRR!!!! ARRRGGGHHHH!!

Do I feel better yet? Not really, but hopefully this process (because of  my own ability in basic problem solving) will not take as long as originally expected.

Deep breath and dive in...