Ok, yeah, that's a "duh" statement. But seriously!
As soon as Doug and I realized that we liked each other and started pursuing that, I have tried to be aware of ways to prevent our relationship from going off the rails. It's relatively simple things as keeping my emotions in check by identifying what I am really upset about before I have an outburst instead of taking it out on him. Instead, I have vent to and with him - sometimes he has even legitimately been able to help the situation.
I realize, though, that I do still keep a lot to myself. That's how I am - how I was trained as a kid. I was the one who everyone else came to with their problems - not the one that go to air my issues to the world around me. So, while I have done that with Doug about life in general, I have shied away from doing that about issues with him.
That's not to say that I have harboring frustrations that are about to bubble up and ruin our relationship. All of my thoughts and feelings come out one way or another - it is usual some natural experience that opens the door of the discussion. That tends to work better than a forced "we need to talk" moment.
I know that I don't approach topics sometimes, though, either because we have such limited time together that I just want to relax and be together. Or, I can't get into it because there is always an audience of roommates or visitors at his house that just love to give their 25 cents (there's no way they could only put in 2 cents).
I do think, though, that we are reaching a point in our relationship (at least on my side of the equation, maybe) where more is at stake. The longevity and reality of the person being in my life forever is very real. That is what causes my concerns and makes me want to address them now instead of the day we do finally live together and then it's like "Why do I only know this bothers you now?"
One issue is his drinking. I want to find a way to have a frank and honest discussion with him about it. It's not an intervention. Really and truly, his drinking or not drinking is on his shoulders. It has to be his decision, and I have seen how it works for him to only base that decision on how much trouble he'll get into with those around him. That approach doesn't work. At the same time, I know that he legitimately doesn't know how it affects me. The fact that I have to wonder what state he'll be in when I see him at night if I have to go do something on Saturday while he's been at home all day. The fact that I feel like I have to make an appointment to have sex to make sure that he curtails his drinking enough so we can still perform (which has not always succeeded). The fact that even though he may test below the legal limit, there are distinct differences in him when he is sober and when he is even a little under the influence. The fact that I probably could talk to him more and we could accomplish more on professional projects together if we didn't have to fit it into the brief period after work before he's too drunk to care.
We've had 2 fights in the last 2 weeks. They still weren't shouting matches (which I'm happy for), but they still pretty well ripped my heart out for even having to go there. Details don't really matter, but the fact that they weren't completely resolved still bothers me. Why were they not resolved? One was because I couldn't force myself to be completely honest and continue the conversation to the point it needed to get to for resolution. The other was because it was already late, and I had to go home to get sleep for work the next day (and a roommate was circling in the other room to pounce - which I could not handle at that moment).
SO, as much work I put into being aware of our relationship, walking certain boundaries, encouraging certain behaviors...maybe I actually need to put less work. Try less to control the effect that we may have on one another and just let fights or frustrations happen as they need to happen. We have to learn to make it through the hard parts (and how each other handles those parts). So far, we've managed that well.
I have to stop living in the shadowy fear of turning out like my parents - who I often wonder (based on the interactions I've witnessed my whole life) whether or not they ever loved each other. I am honestly afraid that if they did and then they became how that are now, then that can happen to us, too. So, I try as hard as I can to control what I can to keep us off that course, but I wonder if I am actually cheating myself by doing that.
So, yeah, relationships are hard. Maybe I make it harder than it needs to be. At least I've found someone willing to work with me, either way.
