It is hard for me to believe that I used to be like this. For pretty much all of my teenage years, I sat on the couch and watched TV when I wasn't at school (church wasn't even a factor once Mom and Dad stopped going and made it seem like a complete inconvenience to take me).
So, TV and inactivity became my refuge, my comfort zone. If I wasn't watching TV, I was holed up in my room listening to music.
I was reasonably content - I guess that's a word to use. I wasn't happy, fulfilled, or any other positive feeling about my life at the time. At the same time, it was all I knew with no imaginable way out and with no belief that I had the power to change it.
Over the last 15 years, I've miraculously managed to break out of that. In fact, in many ways, I have actively and bitterly fought against being that. So, now being forced to essentially become that sedentary, TV-dependent zombie again is frustrating and disheartening.
I know that I have to "be still" to heal - this battle to heal is not an easy one to win. Still, there is this undeniable restlessness inside of me. I don't know what I can do - within the boundaries of my current healing-induced confinement - to relieve this feeling. I was relieving it by continuing on with my life, just slowed down slightly, and apparently my surgical wound paid the price.
I am now trying to put my body's needs first while trying not to sactifice my mental needs. I know this time will pass - it always has and does. The question is: how quickly and after what complications will it do so?
So, I hold on and pray this time passes faster than expected.
