Am I a bitch?
I can't help but wonder that more and more lately. Maybe it's just that my introversion has been so challenged with all the interaction I've had with my shows, cast parties, etc. that I am desperate for quiet time to myself. Almost everywhere I go, it just seems so loud - so many people talking - and I just want to get away.
It's especially bad at work right now. Some of the new people in the office are abnormally peppy, and I don't know that I can deal with it. I'm just not that way. I feel like I know how moms of toddlers feel when they are constantly being tugged on for attention.
It's not just the needy attention but the assumption of intimacy that's a problem. Now, I probably seem like a pretty open person because I do tell a good bit about myself. However, I also have very distinct boundaries, and I have levels of detail that I reserve based on levels of friendship. I think that you don't automatically have the right to be "up in my business." If you want to share every minute detail of everything in your life as soon as we meet, that's your right (it'll piss me off, but it's still you're right). It doesn't mean that I'm going to reciprocate.
For me, intimacy is earned. It is a matter of respect. There are milestones of trust and shared experience that have to be in place before I feel comfortable with anyone having the right to invade my mental or physical space. Maybe it's because my family was emotionally distant or because I was shunned socially for being "wierd" when I was younger. Whatever it is, it's how I am, and I wish people would be aware instead of me having to be almost stand-offish to protect my boundaries.
So, maybe I am a bitch. At least I'm aware of the possibility - if not, in fact, likelihood. At least I'm not completely oblivious to my impact on those around me.
At the same time, I can't change that about myself anymore than they can probably change that about themselves. How do you tell someone "change everything about yourself because who you are pisses me off?" In any relationship - whether it will be longterm or shortlived - reaches a turning point where you find a way to exist and embrace one another or not. In the past, these things have somehow always magically resolved themselves (even if it is through the other person magically disappearing from my life).
I know that can't happen forever so I am working on finding a way to coexist, but in the meantime, I may be even happier that I finally have that door on my office.
